*Blink*

What the hell was that? Seriously. Nine to one *scratch that* ten to one lead, it looks like everyone is just going through the motions to get to tomorrow's game. And then the bullpen just falls apart. Georgie K. gets thrown out at the plate. And then it gets worse. I hope that you're sufficiently embarrassed boyos because that was embarrasing. I'm pretty sure that Theo's fabulous bullpen isn't supposed to do that. Ten runs in two innings? Really? I had been feeling a bit bad for Hill (being a local boy and all) but I guess he didn't need it. Beckett will have to be aces tomorrow, that's all there is to it.

You're So Vain.

Jon Lester is a pretty serious guy. He seems dour, humorless, and to be a man of few words. I would feel perfectly comfortable calling him boring. He does nothing to dispel that image in the pop culture grid of last week's Sports Illustrated. His answers are uninspired but completely believable.

I can imagine him steadfastly refusing to read the headlines of the tabloids while waiting in line at the grocery store. Of course he can cook salmon: he's from Washington, baked salmon is ridiculously easy, and it tastes terrible. It's the perfect food for Jon Lester. Dustin Pedroia doesn't shut up, Mike Lowell works on a more fabulous level than Lester and, therefore, Lester can't read Lowell. And he can't think of one thing good or interesting about himself.

But wait! Here's an interesting answer: Jacoby Ellsbury spends too much time looking at himself in the mirror. Ellsbury's mom would have you believe that her son is a good boy; that he didn't have a girlfriend in high school. I do believe his mother; he son's features, while exotic around here would be fairly common on a reservation. But I also believe Lester that the attention may have gone to Ellsbury's head.

Apple Core.

It's been awhile since we've seen the Orioles; April 17-20 during the eleven game winning streak. But the Os of April are not the Os of late June/early July. This team has given Adam Eaton and Jamie Walker the axe. They've lost Cesar Izturis, Dennis Safarte, and Lou Montanez *tilde implied* to injuries. They've sent Radhames Liz (who was great fun: one third of an inning on April 20, allowing six runs) and Chad Moeller to the minors. They've gotten Melvin Mora back and traded Ryan Freel (Masterson plunked him in the head) to the Cubs. And they've also added Matt Weiters, Nolan Reimold, and a couple of pitchers along the way.

One of their new pitchers, Jason Berken, pitches for Baltimore tonight. Berken throws a low-nineties fastball, a slider, a curveball, and a low-eighties change up. He's not overpowering and relies on good control. That said, he's averaging two walks a start and going only a little over five innings a start. He's quite hittable with pretty even splits (.290 for lefties, .288 for righties).

Mass. native Rich Hill gets the start on Tuesday. Hill throws an upper eighties fastball, a slow curve ball, and a lower-eighties change-up. He does get strike outs but he gives up too many walks. Left-handed batters do have a difficult time hitting him, though. Hitters also tend to have an easier time against him the second time through the order.

Brad Bergensen gets the start on Wednesday. He's another one of their new pitchers and one of the more promising. He throws a high-eighties fastball, a slider, a curveball, and a change-up. He's not a strike out pitcher but he does get a lot of groundballs. He's got good control; he doesn't give up too many walks. And he'll get pretty deep into the game. Left-handed batters have an easier time against him.

Robert Andino has been playing a decent shortstop since Izturis went down following an appendectomy. Matt Weiters is getting a lot of the playing time at catcher. Offensively, he hasn't shown a lot of power, he doesn't walk very often, and he strikes out too much. Nolan Reimold has become their everyday left-fielder. Reimold has plenty of power and walks quite a bit but he's not super fast and his fielding is a little sloppy.

3000 Miles or 68 Games.

Mike Lowell will be making his way back to Boston to get an injection of Synvisc in his balky hip on Monday.

Most of the movable joints in the body (hip included) are synovial joints. Synovial joints differ from fibrous joints and cartilaginous joints in how the bones are held together; fibrous joints are held together by fibrous connective tissue and the bones shouldn't be able to move (the bones of the skull are good examples), cartilaginous joints are held together by cartilage and move only a little (where the first rib connects to the sternum is a good example), and synovial joints are two bones that are strapped together by ligaments with some space in between.

Inside a synovial joint the bones are covered with cartilage to lessen the impact of them knocking together during movement. The cavity between the bones is also lined with a membrane, conveniently called the synovial membrane. This membrane secretes synovial fluid into the empty space.

Synovial fluid has a high viscosity and a consistency similar to that of raw albumen. (When you separate a joint--like a knuckle--little bubbles will form in the fluid and when you close the joint the bubbles will pop, creating a satisfactory cracking sound.) Its purpose is to lubricate the joint and reduce friction as the cartilaginous ends of the bones slide across each other. It may also help to nourish the cartilage.

The treatment they're prescribing for Mikey is usually given to patients suffering from osteoarthritis in the knee. It is, essentially, synovial fluid replacement therapy. Hyaluronate (Synvisc being the brand name) injection is similar in concept to an oil change. They inject the treatment into the joint and it protects the cartilage in much the same way that motor oil protects an engine. Hyaluronan (what it's made of) has also been shown to have anti-inflammatory properties, which may help to protect against further damage.

Its effectiveness in patients with osteoarthritic knees is questionable. Some patients have seen no improvement and others have seen a reduction in knee pain for up to six months. But there doesn't seem to be any harm in giving it a shot.

First to Ten.

That'd be win number ten for Timmeh Wakefield.

If you'd have asked my in March which pitcher would have ten wins before the end of June, my answer would not have been Tim Wakefield. That's for sure.

Things That Would Be Awesome.

Jason Bay took the US citizenship test a week ago and passed with flying colors. Sadly, when asked if he would be replicating Manny's citizenship celebration, he quickly shot down the idea:

"I don't think I'll do that."

Bad photoshop skills aside, how awesome would that have been?

A Petition for St. Rita.*

It's strange how the mind works sometimes: I'd noticed the prayer card that Mike Lowell has tucked behind the nameplate of his locker at Fenway but, somehow, I'd never connected it with him being Catholic. It makes sense; Cuba (well, maybe not Cuba with the Communism), Puerto Rico, and South Florida are all heavily Catholic areas. Maybe he just seemed too urbane to be religious or something. But what do I know, I was in Paris (a very sophisticated, better than you kind of place) at Easter time a few years ago and people were literally spilling across the nathrax of a smaller church to hear the Good Friday mass. It was unexpected.

Anyway, Catholictv did an interview with Mike Lowell and it will be airing on July 7 at 10:30am and 8:00pm (they also stream their programming live on their website)--just in case anyone is interested.

*Please don't smite me for being sacrilegious. Thank you.

Anti-Samson.

This has nothing to do with the Red Sox but a couple of weeks ago (I could look it up but don't really feel like it) I put Magglio Ordonez *tilde implied* on my list of not-bad-looking ballplayers because of his hair. Today on the pre-game, they showed him hitting a home run and circling the bases and I yelled at my television "He cut his hair?!?" And this is just too gross to not pass along.

If you're really into Magglio's hair (much, much more than I was), then you can purchase his shorn locks. He's auctioning off his hair on e-bay (along with tickets to watch a game from his skybox at Comerica and an autographed bat) to raise money for charity. As of right this very moment, no bids have been placed on the mound of hair but hey! it comes with free shipping.

Meh.

That was certainly not what I was hoping for and from the genuinely pissed off look on John Smoltz's face, it seems like it wasn't what he was hoping for either. But it's hard to get too worked up about it. They won the series, that's what mattered. Even the Nationals aren't so terrible as to not run into a win every once in awhile. Time to move on to Atlanta and Jurrjens (whom they just saw), Vazquez (whom they saw often enough in Chicago), and the red-headed stepchild (not really but he is ginger) Hanson and an offense that doesn't do much.

6:50 Tee Time.

If you've got nothing else to do today (and really who doesn't have a random Wednesday free?), you might consider heading down to Connecticut for the Travelers Championship Celebrity Pro-Am golf tournament. In attendance at the event will be Dewey Evans *dreamy sigh* and Sandy Koufax. Also, scheduled to play are Ray Allen and if you're into that football thing, Bill Belichick and Doug Floutie. If I didn't have to be at work, I would consider the drive just to see Koufax.

Five.

Not to gloat or anything. Well, maybe just a little bit.

Nicely done, boys. Hitting (Pedroia went 3 for 6. Youkilis went 2 for 5. Jay Ray Bay went 4 for 6. And Ellsbury went 4 for 4), defense (Mike Lowell and Nick Green both turned some nice double plays), and not terrible pitching--What more could you ask for? A repeat performance tomorrow?

I find myself hoping that Toronto can just hang in there. Not only because I'd like to be proven right but also because the Yankees in third place would make me very happy.

You Just Licked Off the Part that Forbids Cruel and Unusual Punishment.

I don't remember much from my eighth-grade field trip to Washington D.C. I broke my mother's camera (luckily it was her older one), one of the girls in the group broke down crying in the rotunda of the Capital Building because of some fight, the pandas were asleep in the National Zoo, and there was a really big diamond in the Smithsonian.

For new visitors to the sprawling museum (at least within the next couple of days), there will be Red Sox World Series memorabilia on display. The Sox donated third base from Game 2 of the 2004 World Series and Jon Lester's jersey from Game 4 of 2007 World Series.

Not one to be above taunting the Yankees (and it did make me smile) Larry Lucchino said:

"It's interesting that the Yankees stuff is from so long ago."

I do hope, of course, that the Smithsonian requested the donation and Lucchino didn't just show up at the collections department with artifacts in hand.

Happy Father's Day.

Aren't we cute? (The correct answer is adorable.)

If asked, my mother would probably say that I got stubbornness from my dad. My sister would probably claim that we're both know-it-alls and that we can both be a bit bossy. And my brother would point out that we have the same slightly-corny sense of humor. Me? I would bypass all the good stuff--intellectual curiosity and a desire to know how the world works (which leads me to knowing-it-all and because I know-it-all, I should be able to tell you what to do), stick-to-it-ive-ness (not stubbornness), and an ability to see the humor in most things (because damn it, I'm funny)--and say that the most important thing I got from my dad was baseball.

I love this game because he loves this game. I love this team because he loves this team. We've spent more hours than was probably good or necessary talking about and bonding over this game. I've learned a lot about my father as a person and about life--loyalty, hope, a sort of wary optimism, heartbreak (and picking yourself up after it), and ultimately the joy of success after sticking with something even when it seemed like a hopeless cause--through this game and the twenty-five guys who played out the drama every season. This game and those twenty-five strangers have taught me about myself, about what I like (willingness to sacrifice yourself for the good of the team) and what I can't stand (lack of good effort). I'm sure I would have learned these things about myself at some point along the way but baseball served them up on a silver platter. So, thanks Dad for baseball.

And if you're able to, give your old man a hug today. A good father is a terrible thing to waste.

I included this one because I wanted to point out that even though my hair is loose and I'm wearing jeans, I ran pretty well when I was six-ish.

A Weight Off His Shoulders.

Clay Buchholz has been pitching well down in Pawtucket and caused a minor stir recently by publicly admitting that he would prefer to be pitching in the big leagues. Most probably credit the vast improvement over last year with increased confidence. I think they're missing the point. I think it has to do with the ditching of that hideous green thing he used to wear around his neck. (It was, after all, the first thing I notice in the photo.)

Un-Reality Check.

See more funny videos and Cute Animals Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Well that was a giant pile of suck. I'm choosing to blame Dustin Pedroia's sudden desire to return to wearing the knee socks rather than Daisuke Matsuzaka's continued struggles and a seemingly sudden inability to hit during the past two games. I had been hoping Derek Lowe would do well but now? Not so much--somebody needs to go find the team hotel and get him really, really drunk. And so we have a video of a kitten with a weird meow because a) it's distracting and b) with Josh Beckett pitching tomorrow, it's better than show tunes. Josh, kitten, please don't suck tomorrow because Sunday is going to be even more difficult.

Me a-a-and Chipper. Chipper Jones, Chipper Jones.

In a game that is likely to find it's way onto Japanese television, Kenshin Kawakami pitches for the Braves tonight against Matsuzaka. Kawakami throws a low-nineties fastball with good control, a slow curve ball, and an excellent cutter. Walks can sometimes be an issue (in seven of his twelve starts he's given up three or more walks) but the strike out numbers are pretty good. Interestingly, Kawakami (unlike most Japanese pitchers) seems to have a pretty straight forward windup.

Derek Lowe returns to the Fens on Saturday. Before his less than perfect start against Baltimore (8 hits, 7 runs, 80 pitches, in 2.1 innings), Lowe was putting together a nice season for himself. The sinker still sinks (294 ground balls to 125 fly balls). He's given up only 3 home runs this year. He gets a decent number of strike outs and the walks aren't too bad.

Jair Jurrjens is the pitcher for Sunday's game. Jurrjens throws two fastballs--a low-nineties four seam and a slightly faster sinker. He throws both with excellent command. He also throws a slurve and a change up with good command. He works at a good tempo. You'd think he'd get more strike outs than he does.

While their pitching staff may not give up many runs, their offense just doesn't seem to score that many runs. They've played fifteen games where their pitching has given up three runs (they only had to come up with four to win) and they've lost eight of them. They've scored four runs or less in forty-two of their sixty-five games. They've been shut out seven times. Their offense is essentially their catcher for the day (either McCann or Ross) and Chipper Jones. The McLouth trade is a definite upgrade, though. They don't strike out that much and they don't walk that much but they don't seem to come up with many hits. They're about average defensively and they don't run very much at all.

Rain, Rain Go Away. Little Mikey Wants to Play.

Mike Lowell is pissed about playing in the rain.

"[Red Sox management] got the gate. Whenever we make it up, it's going to be a sellout. Before the game I was hearing about makeup dates, so obviously they saw the forecast wasn't good and something was coming through. There was nothing we were told or saw on the radar that suggested that we were going to be playing in any type of good conditions.

I think a lot of guys are [livid] right now. …I'm frustrated and I think a lot of guys are frustrated."

When I was in high school and someone complained about the weather my track coach was overly fond of asking: What is this baseball? It rains, we get wet. So...Yeah, it was pouring last night. And yeah, it probably wasn't safe to be playing on the wet grass. I'm guessing that it wasn't a pleasant experience for anyone involved. But when, Mickey my love, were you going to make up the game if they didn't try to play last night? It's one of the perils of interleague (along with accidentally breaking the feet of AL pitchers) but looking at the calendar, July 2 is the only day that would have been almost easy peasy for everyone. Besides which, if you really wanted to finish the game, then you should have done something better than line out after Ortiz reached on the error.

We Have Ways of Making You Pronounce the Letter O.

<br/><a href="http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=en-US&brand=foxsports&vid=86f42a2d-b40c-4e57-b6cb-c43755959e1b" target="_new" title="Red Sox hook Marlins">Video: Red Sox hook Marlins</a>

Jay Ray Bay may attempt to cover his pasty, Caspar-inspired complexion (with the exception of his ass which is, apparently, quite red) with a suntan and a ginger five o'clock shadow. He may spread rumors of behind the scenes blowups and call Josh Beckett a dick (presumably) in an effort to combat the image of an exceedingly nice, polite young man. But a leopard can't change it's spots and Jason Bay can't be un-Canadian. Ask him about hockey and his face just lights up.

Won't Be Fooled Again.

So looking at the thumbnail of this video, my first thought was: Good God. What did John Smoltz do to his hair?

Yesterday Smoltz participated in the golf part of Wake/Tek's Pitching in for Kids charity extravaganza. He likes to do charity work and he likes Tim Wakefield. He does not yet know when he will be pitching but he's looking forward to it. Also, there may be some sort of battle royale in the works between Mikey Lowell and John Smoltz for the role of team smart-aleck.

The Ideal Opponent.

The titles of these posts are becoming curiouser and curiouser as I go along and I apologize for this one; it reeks of "Look how smart I am." I just can't think of anything else to do with marlins. The fish in The Old Man and the Sea was a marlin and he was the ideal opponent.

Chris Volstad is a groundball pitcher with a low-nineties fastball, a good curveball, and a good change-up. He's generally around the strike zone; not a lot of walks but plenty of hits. He is also dedicated to doing his best impression of a beanpole and it's pretty close to the real thing; he's really tall and really slender. And perhaps as a function of his size, he seems to tire easily and when he's tired the ball comes up and becomes more hittable.

Andrew Miller is a big lefty who arrived in Florida via the Dontrelle Willis trade. He's got a mid-nineties fastball, a very good slider, and a change-up. Consistency can be an issue for him and walks are sometimes problematic. He does strike out right-handers with ease. Left-handed batters, on the other hand, have had decent success against him. He doesn't give up many home runs, at all.

Ricky Nolasco has good command of a low-nineties fastball, an excellent curveball, and a decent change-up. Last year was a break out year for Nolasco but his ERA+ this season sits at a lowly 55. He was sent down to AAA to work things out at the end of May and since his return seems to have done just that. In his last two starts he allowed just two earned runs in seven and six innings, respectively. He also struck out nine Blue Jays in his last start.

The Marlins have a pretty good offense with Hanley Ramirez leading the way. They aren't a particularly patient team; they lead the league in strike outs and are smack dab in the middle in terms of walks taken. They swing for the fences: lots of singles, lots of home runs, and not much in between. Ramirez, meanwhile, may have an axe to grind. When the rumors of the Ellsbury for Ramirez swap emerged, Ramirez was asked about it and said something to the extent of: I was so mad when they traded me, that I vowed to never go back to Boston unless they paid me a lot of money.

En Fuego.

David Ortiz is hawking hot sauce. And I, being the highly suggestible type, decided that I needed to have some. So I popped into Stop and Shop and picked up a bottle of the original, a.k.a. mild. Plus, not all that long ago, I went to a little hole-in-the-wall Dominican restaurant and had a very tasty meal of skirt steak and onions (simply prepared but quite good) and so buying the hot sauce seemed like a good idea.

According to the packaging, the sauce is no ordinary sauce. It is, instead, a lifestyle sauce. Cool. I'm not entirely sure what that means but if eating it will make my lifestyle more similar to that of David Ortiz, then I'm all for it. Lots of money, adored by millions, well-respected by your peers, and you get to go to 162 baseball games a year? Bring it on.

The first ingredient listed is habanero pepper. Crap. For a gal who really doesn't do well with jalapeno *tilde implied* pepper and won't eat Thai food beyond satay (and wouldn't dream of touching the sauce) this might not be the best experiment. But I can take courage from the fact that the rest of the ingredients seem somewhat harmless: cayenne pepper (I've got lots of that around the house), vinegar (I once downed a shot of vinegar on a dare, made me sick but I did it), lime (tasty), carrot (seems like an odd ingredient but I've got nothing against carrots), garlic (raw garlic isn't a favorite but it's not terrible), salt, cilantro (fresh cilantro is tasty, dried tastes of air), sugar (I've always had a sweet tooth), various other spices, and vitamin C.

It was decided that my taste test needed to be as scientific as possible (read: I needed to screw up my courage) so I started by sniffing it. Unsurprisingly, it smelled of pepper with a faint hint of vinegar and maybe lime. It's got an orange-colored base, with little red flecks in it. There are seeds and bits of cilantro in the jar but they didn't come out in the first little bit I poured out. The vinegar cut the capsaicin enough that it didn't burn the finger that I dipped into it. It's got a thicker viscosity than Tabasco or Frank's, maybe a byproduct of the carrot. And since there was no way to make a report on the noise the sauce made, the only thing left was to taste it.

To be honest, it wasn't too bad. After the initial burst of heat, it died off pretty quickly. The strongest flavor after the heat was lime, followed faintly by garlic. In the name of scientific inquiry, I actually went back for a second taste. The initial heat from a drop on the center of the tongue lasted thirteen seconds. After fifty-two seconds the burn had almost faded completely but it wasn't until three minutes and fourteen seconds that the oil from the pepper dissipated enough for me to not notice it. In conclusion, if you like spicy food, then you probably want to start with one of the more intense levels available. As for me, I don't know what I'm going to do with a nearly full jar of the stuff.

Anything You Can Do.

How do you top a quality start from Wakefield and six innings of one-hit (which could have been an error) ball from Beckett? Since a no-hitter (which, let's face it, would have been epic) was out the window essentially from the get-go, Brad Penny decided to top that by throwing six scoreless innings of his own and trying to slip the baseball into Alex Rodriguez's back pocket. Did he do it on purpose? Probably, although Jim Rice says he didn't. It was a beautiful thing, though. Brad Penny wins (and Manny Del owes him dinner or something.)

An Octet.

April 24: 5-4, Winning Pitcher: Ramon Ramirez

April 25: 16-11, Winning Pitcher: Hideki Okajima

April 26: 4-1, Winning Pitcher: Justin Masterson

May 4: 6-4, Winning Pitcher: Jon Lester

May 5: 7-3, Winning Pitcher: Josh Beckett

June 9: 7-0, Winning Pitcher: Josh Beckett

June 10: 6-5, Winning Pitcher: Tim Wakefield

June 11: 4-3, Winning Pitcher: Takashi Saito.

Top That.

Alright Brad Penny, the gauntlet has been thrown. In the first game of the series, Beckett went six innings with only one hit. In the second, Wakefield allowed three runs over six innings. What have you got? And is the third time the charm for win 100?

Five Reasons to Loathe Yankee Fans.

I got to work early this morning and was killing time by making a list of the reasons to hate Yankee fans. Never figured that I would bother to type it up but then I got off work and read this story of Yankee fan idiocy and it seemed appropriate. First of all, it's probably the same guy who showed up when the World Series trophies went up to Vermont and thought it would be hysterical to have his picture taken with the trophies while wearing his Yankee cap. Also, dude was at a Phish concert, his memory of the event probably isn't particularly reliable. Without further ado, my thoughts from 5:00 am:

I don't dislike the Yankee organization. I find certain players extremely distasteful (Derek Jeter never seems to have an opinion on anything; Alex Rodriguez and Andy Pettitte are cheaters; and Joba Chamberlain and Johnny Damon could only be described as ridiculous) but I have no problem with the head honchos in the Bronx opening their collective wallet and having the championships roll in.

I do hate Yankee fans, though. I have never met one that I really liked. I came close once. Siobhan was my roommate freshman year of college; nice girl, intelligent, funny, and as long as we weren't talking about baseball we got along fabulously. But she still had the spectre of black, soulless-ness hanging over her head. And as soon as she opened her mouth she lost any appearance of individuality and become a mindless drone only capable of repeatedly bleating 1918 and 26. Yankee fandom, it turns out, is an unforgivable character flaw.

And so as we approach the first of these series to actually mean something in quite awhile, it's important to brush up on exactly why Yankee fans suck.

5. "We/Us", as in "We need to pitch better" or "The lack of timely hitting is killing us." I know that there are fans of other teams who do the same thing (undoubtedly, there are Red Sox fans guilty of this as well) but it drives me nuts and I've never met a Yankee fan who doesn't do it. Here's a free tip: Unless you're on the payroll, it's "they" or "them."

4. There's a displeasing arrogance that permeates Yankee fans; a belief that wearing pinstripes is a privilege and that any ballplayer would clamor to put them on. Yankee fans honestly seem to believe that there are 725 baseball players in this country who go home every night and cry themselves to sleep because they don't play for the Yankees. The arrogance also seems to extend to the belief that those pinstripes have restorative powers a la Frosty the Snowman's magic hat (always back to Vermont) and that not-so-hot ballplayers will suddenly become fabulous under the power of the stripes; i.e. back toward the beginning of the season there was talk in Yankee-land that Nady's injury wasn't a big deal because Nick Swisher was going to hit near .400. Nick freakin' Swisher (whom I may have developed a secret crush on back when he was with Oakland, one I still find myself unable to completely shake) who will strike out looking more times than you can imagine. The phenomenon of the awesomeness of the stripes did play itself out amusingly over the winter with the hand-wringing and general outrage when C.C. Sabathia waited around for someone, anyone else to make him an offer so that he wouldn't have to play in New York.

3. Curses. This might be an extension of the aforementioned arrogance. The only people who believe in curses are Dan Shaughnessy and Yankee fans. Shaughnessy's excuse is that he's an idiot. He writes beautifully (even if he does sidle up a little closely to purple on occasion for my taste) but the general idiocy behind his opinions make them invalid. Yankee fans? I'm not entirely sure. I suspect that it may come from the Greatest-City-on-Earth, Capital-of-the-World crap that they're so fond of spouting down there. In the tri-state area, they have this image of themselves as being very urbane. Of course, then, the rubes to the north would believe in curses and it would only be appropriate to taunt them with their silly superstitions. In the meantime, however, they've convinced themselves that sprinkling grass seed that came in Yankee packaging in Fenway Park will somehow curse the Red Sox. Don't get me wrong, I love New York but it would be a hell of a lot nicer without the New Yorkers.

2. Perhaps the most grievous sin, Yankee fans are incapable of original thought. They're unintelligent, unimaginative, boring, and liable to think no further than the back page of the Post or worse, admiring and parroting the work of John Sterling. Had everyone's favorite Vermont-er bought a square of sod from the old Stadium, snuck that into Fenway, surreptitiously cut up a hunk of the existing grass and replaced it with the Bronx sod, that would have been creative. Also, I've got to ask: Revenge for what? There's no thought process here but, again, Phish concert.

1. They're Yankee fans. Do you really need more than that?

A Merry Milkman.

Minor league baseball and Jonathan Papelbon were probably meant for each other. Minor league ballparks always seem to have some sort of sideshow going on and Papelbon is a sideshow on his own. I imagine that he's probably always marched to the beat of his own drummer.

Theo Epstein took part in a press conference earlier today during which he discussed next week's amateur draft. He does have some interesting things to say like should the club end up in dire financial straights, they won't scrimp on drafting (and I'll infer he means signing bonuses) because ultimately you'll end up with a cheaper club if you can put all young guys out there. He was also asked (and very helpfully answered the question by repeating the question so I could tell what he was talking about) to discuss his favorite pick. He chose Jonathan Papelbon for obvious reasons. He then went on to tell a slightly amusing story about going to see him pitch up in Lowell not too long after he was signed and finding him happily milking a cow.

A Bundle of Joy?

In these press conference videos it's often hard to hear the questions asked but apparently one reporter at today's had an interesting theory about David Ortiz's slump. At 1:54 Francona responds to one of the questions "If he ends up pregnant on Tuesday, then we've got an issue." I guess that being pregnant would not be super helpful in trying to swing a baseball bat.

Happy Papi.

Undoubtedly, David Ortiz is going bad. And undoubtedly, I can't shake the belief that he will eventually right the ship. My inner Pollyanna is strong and I will cling to any strands of hope that I can find. He does, after all, have a three-game hitting streak going. I can't leave him for dead. And why would anyone want to when smiling, laughing David Ortiz is a sight to behold?

A Heads Up.

I decided a couple of months ago that if I just ignored half of what Kevin Youkilis does and says then I would like him just fine. And so far it's worked out well; I haven't been annoyed with him in quite awhile. But I'm breaking the rules today to pass along the information that Youkilis will be having brunch in Needham on July 25 to help raise money for teen suicide prevention programs. So, you know, be prepared for him to do or say something stupid soon--I have that kind of power.

The Mean Streets of Minneapolis.

This one may be a week old but it's still too good to let fall by the wayside. Babe-in-the-woods, Happy Masterson describing an evening out in Minneapolis:

"Went to eat at Applebee’s and a group of girls invited me to their table by buying me a water. I said "Thanks, but not thanks." Got hit on while I was walking by a gay bar and then as I turned the corner there was what seemed to be a homeless women trying to bum a smoke off me. Of course, I don’t carry cigarettes on my person, so I told her I didn’t and she then went on to give me the good game booty pat. That caught me off guard. And then she continued to speak in a bit of drunken stupor of how she wished that I was her man."

First off all, do they charge for water at Applebee's? Because if they don't (and really even if they do), Masterson's chickadees may want to work on their seduction technique. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that "Why don't you come over here? We've got water." has never been a successful come on.

Something Squirrely.

Michigan squirrels are an opinionated bunch. They're unpatriotic and, quite obviously, Detroit Tigers fans. For two innings one little guy attempted to distract JD Drew by dashing around in front of him but it was all for naught. Instead of being a distraction, the squirrel became a source of fun. Someone in the Red Sox dug out decided to point out that the squirrel wasn't much larger than Dustin Pedroia:

"I got made fun of pretty much half the game. Our hunting guys were out there licking their chops."

Perhaps if you were really, really hungry and there was no other option, squirrel meat might be the way to feed a starving stomach but it seems like it would be extremely gamey and tough. Also, short jokes: Not just for newspaper writers anymore.

Tyger, Tyger, Burning Bright/ In the Forests of Detroit

Apologies to William Blake. Try as I might I couldn't come up with a more creative riff on Detroit or Tigers. Though, if you say it with a working-class London accent, it almost rhymes.

Rick Porcello, who pitches tonight for Detroit, is seriously hot stuff. He throws strikes with both a four-seam and a two-seam fastball, a really good low to mid-eighties change-up, a curveball, and a slider. Right-handed batters have been pretty much useless against him. Lefties, meanwhile, haven't had huge amounts of success but at least they stand a chance. He doesn't get a lot of strike outs but he makes up for it with a lot of weak grounders. When he does leave the ball up, on occasion, he can be made to pay. The Yankees hit him up for six runs on six hits in 3.2 innings. Because he's up a little bit earlier than most expected (common thought was that he wouldn't be ready until the All-Star Break at the earliest) he is on a strict pitch count and other than Ryan Perry and Joel Zumaya, Detroit's bullpen isn't much to write home about. In other words: Go Rangers!

Armando Galarraga is the scheduled pitcher for Wednesday's game. Last year he put together a pretty good season but that success seems to have eluded him thus far. Of course, assuming last year was all luck (.247 BABIP) and that this year will be a regression to the mean might prove to be fatal as E6 has moved on to San Fransisco and their infield defense is much improved. He throws a slider and a fastball to right-handed batters. He gets strike-outs on the slider mostly by fooling the batter. He'll also throw a change-up to left-handed batters. But while he can, mostly, command the fastball and the slider, the change-up is a different story. He also continues to have a home run problem.

Dontrelle Willis is probably the probable pitcher for Thursday afternoon's game. He's made four starts since being activated from the disabled list: 1 good one, 1 not so-terrible-one, and 2 yeesh-that-wasn't-pretty ones. He's very hittable, more so to lefties than righties. But he did baffle Texas: 2 walks, 5 strike outs, 1 hit, over six and one-third of an inning.

Offensively, Placido Polanco and Magglio Ordonez *tilde implied* are really struggling. Apart from Miguel Cabrera, (surprisingly) Brandon Inge-who has settled in nicely at third base, and Curtis Granderson, you're not going to see a lot of power from the lineup. They don't run and they don't walk a lot. They also don't strike out in drastic numbers.

They don't score a ton of runs and so they're winning on pitching and defense. Edwin Jackson, freed from the clutches of Jim Hickey in Tampa, is having a stunning year. Justin Verlander is turning back into the Verlander that he was a couple of years ago. And they can go get the ball with the best of them.

Mea Culpa.

So, May was sort of a sleepy month around here. Hopefully, June proves to be more interesting.