Nerds.

Dave Dombrowski has gone and done it. This is a bad move, like Carl Crawford or John Lackey bad. There are players who are made to succeed in a place like Boston and there are players who wilt under the bright lights like tulips. David Price is a tulip.

It's not that I think he will be a bad clubhouse guy or that I don't trust David's (the real one) ability it make friends. I just don't trust Mr. Price's ability to not be the whiny-baby we all know that he is. The sharks will be circling and it'll go down-hill from there.

At least if the opt-out information is true, it'll only be three years before he high-tails it to friendlier climes (even, I suspect, if it means leaving money on the table to be free of Boston).

A Humble Hollywood Executive.

Tom Werner! I haven't flipped on NESN in awhile and in all likelihood won't turn it on again until February but have I got a pitch for you!

You should create a travel show starring David Ortiz (after he retires, of course) wherein he traipses all over the world in his over-the-top glory. He could go all sorts of new and interesting places and meet new and interesting people, sort of an Amazing Race but more authentic and without the race. Expensive? Absolutely. But, I would watch every episode.

Call me. We'll have coffee.

Venice.

Beautiful day in italia....... pic.twitter.com/e7FD0bvjlw

— David Ortiz (@davidortiz) October 9, 2015

I'd be fascinated to know what the Italians make of David Ortiz. Everything about the way David presents himself screams American stereotype: he's loud, he's wearing a t-shirt and a baseball cap (luckily, they wouldn't know that it's got his own picture on it), he's a giant man, and he's got diamonds in his ears. But he's black. They're probably terrified of him, undoubtedly a drug dealer on vacation. I bet even the pickpockets stay away.

Anything Goes.

Watching the post game show, one wonders if Adam Pellerin has ever said the phrase, "They all look the same to me."

That's the News I'm Waiting to Hear.

Opening day: April 4 in Cleveland.

Bring Me a Radio.

I generally like Don Orsillo, so it's a shame to hear that he has been ousted from his gig as play-by-play announcer. Sure he can get a little silly and the pitcher has been waiting for x minutes after a long inning is useless information but he's very good at his job. Given their history, one has little faith that NESN knows what they are doing at all or that they can put together a quality product.

Let's Do It.

It feels a little flip to continue the Cole Porter theme in a post about John Farrell's cancer diagnosis. But you know what? It's not whistling past the graveyard. Cancer doesn't deserve the respect that cowering in the corner would imply. If it's a matter of giddy-up, of muscling your way through, then there's little doubt in my mind that John Farrell will allow cancer to win. So let's do it, Mr. Farrell, let's kick its ass.

In all honesty, I've started and erased this post a couple of times. I struggled with the title. I struggled with the last line of the first paragraph--it's so presumptuous: I've got nothing to do with his recovery. I struggled with the content--how do you marry a silly, frivolous blog like this [Aside: Someone once described this blog as fluff and I was highly-offended but it's true.] with something with the dun-dun-duun quality of a cancer diagnosis? It's the sort of indecision that is usually reserved for the Jimmy Fund telethon.

And the truth is sometimes it's important to remember that this is a silly game, that I devote too much time and energy to, and that there are more important things in life.

So, best of health to John and a quick and complete recovery.

I Sleep Easier Now.

The dumping of Naples makes me deeply sad. He was a good egg. I don't know that Texas has much of a chance at anything but we'll wish him luck.

If I Were Only a Football Man.

I still maintain that football is the stupidest game that was ever invented and I have no intention of ever purposefully paying attention to a football game but at least the current disaster vis-a-vis Tom Brady and Roger Goodell is more entertaining than the 2015 Boston Red Sox.

I Hate You, Darling.

It's hard to figure why exactly everything went wrong with this team. Sometimes they can't hit but sometimes they can. Most of the time they can't pitch. And they can't field. But even when they are at their worst, they shouldn't be as terrible as they have been. And yet, we're left with going into each game hoping that they aren't going to embarrass themselves too badly.

So how do you fix it?

You've got Eduardo and Clay (until he busts some part or other) but you're stuck with Rick and Wade. Fortunately, they've both had moments when they've looked like they might not suck so very badly so they've got to be better next year, right? Assuming a sophomore slump for Eduardo, you've got maybe two combined competent pitchers in those four bodies. Owens has, historically, needed time to adjust to a new level so probably shouldn't be counted on for much. Johnson is likely a back-end guy. Being generous they could probably count as another. So you're looking for two starters.

The bullpen is a disaster and anybody else would be an improvement.

It's not actually all bad on offense. Xander has really come into his own this year.

David is David. After two lousy years, though, maybe he just decides that he doesn't have the time or energy for this next year.

I like Naples. I like that he has fallen in love with Boston but if he can't see, if he can't recognize pitches, I don't think that he can play. Dustin is pig-headed and playing the way that he does, is bound to get hurt, come back too early, and end up hurting the team more than he helps it. I also greatly enjoyed Shane on this team (and I'm glad that he has the chance to play a useful role on a team going somewhere) but one hopes that Castillo will remember how to play and, consequently, be an improvement.

I don't care what anyone says, I love Pablo. He is fabulous. (Of course, given my love of lost causes, baseball players really shouldn't want to become my favorite player.) Hanley has been alright, better when he hasn't been asked to play left field, so one could hope that with a year of experience in left, he could feel more comfortable out there and also at the plate. Mookie will be better next year.

Holt is a useful piece off the bench. Daniel Nava, not so much. Back-up and starting catcher are sort of interchangeable on this team. Maybe Swihart becomes what he's supposed to become and Vazquez comes back strong and healthy.

So in addition to two or three starters and a new bullpen, you need a first baseman and possibly a right-fielder.

Next year is, then, probably more of the same.

No Show Tonight.

At least it's better than watching these guys play.

Same Old Story.

Well at least it's good to know where you all stand regarding the second half and how you are going to play during it. One of you numbskulls should have told Wade, though.

Swing that Swing.

( Source: Jim Rogash/Getty Images North America)

When things are going they way that they are going, you've got to enjoy the moments when something goes right. A four hit day is, in and of itself, pretty remarkable but a single, a double, a triple, and a homerun is so aesthetically pleasing. So...BROCK HOLT!

Dear Doctor.

No reflection of the kid (Mr. Rodriguez has real potential and did all that could be asked of him for three starts) but it would appear that being a super crappy baseball player is catching and so for his own health and future well-being, it might be best if they sent him back to Pawtucket. At least in Rhode Island, he wouldn't be surrounded by losers.

Besides which, we've got Happy to take his place.  Happy, bless his heart, is no longer a major league pitcher and would fit in much better with this group of washed-up has-beens.

It's All Over But the Shouting.

Well, boyos, I really don't know what to say.

The idea of Joe Kelly is so much better than the reality of Joe Kelly. And then you give the ball to a kid from Connecticut, what did you expect? Seriously, that was crap.

At Ye Olde Coffee Shoppe in Cheyenne.

Absolutely fabulous.

Drink Drink Drink.

Oof.

It can't get much worse that that? Can it? Please say that it can't.

Nobody's Chasing Me.

I don't think that you gentlemen understand just how disappointed I am that the Cole Porter theme has led you to last place. And I am uncertain if I should abandon it because it's June (June. June. June.) or if I should hold out for a turn-around. These are tough decisions to make.

Down in the Dungeon Deep.

Sigh.

I really don't know what to make of this team. They shouldn't be this bad but they are. You think that things couldn't get worse and then they do. Is their pitching really this awful? I suppose so. Have they forgotten how to hit? It would sure seem that way. Is there a quick fix in sight? I doubt it.

Trading for Hamels would be a fool's errand. This team isn't one good pitcher away from being worth my time. They need a whole new rotation and pretty much a whole new bullpen. They need a full time right-fielder, a third baseman who doesn't need to be platooned, a first baseman, a new DH, and a left-fielder who doesn't need to worry so much about playing left field. 

I guess you just have to play out the string because I can't see what pieces are here that anyone would want.

Texas Will Make You a Man.

Rain Delay Theatre is pleased to announce:

At tonight's performance the role of

Starting Pitcher

will be played by

Eduardo Rodriguez.

Mr. Rodriguez began his career in youth productions in his native Venezuela.  He then joined a regional touring company that performed up and down the east coast where he frequently starred as Starting Pitcher. Tonight will mark Mr. Rodriguez's major league debut. He wishes to thank God and his family for their support. Welcome to the company, Mr. Rodriguez.

Put A Sack Over Their Heads.

This team ought to be embarrassed.

I love David but he seems cooked. It would appear that the pundits were correct when they said that Ben guessed wrong when he invested in Richard. And I don't know if it's just because his shoulder is still bothering him but Manly has become less Manny and more just a waste of a roster space.

Why Can't You Behave?

Well, gentlemen, here's the thing: I didn't go into the season with high hopes for this team. You weren't supposed to be able to pitch to save your lives but if you like offense, at least you were supposed to be fun to watch. And I was okay with that. You weren't going to be world-beaters but you were going to beat the hell out of baseballs and watching that would be a good time.

However, you, gentlemen, are not fun. It is painful to watch you play baseball. So why should I bother?

Be Like the Bluebird.

You know, if they hadn't played well at the beginning of April, this sudden inability to do anything related to baseball in an acceptable fashion, wouldn't bother me. Going into this season, I was prepared for this team to be terrible but then they were fun for awhile. Now not so much and it's going to be a long season.

Perfectly Terrible.

So...this is pathetic.

At least that was a little bit better. So just a lousy game and not a remarkably lousy game. Well done boyos.

Oh, Bright Fair Dream!

Not to put any pressure on him or anything but I had a dream last night that Happy pitched a complete game shut-out on forty-seven pitches. It probably wasn't prophetic though because the debate afterward was: Which was more impressive, Masterson's forty-seven pitch game or the Pirates plating eighty-four runs in their game.

It All Seems So Long Ago.

Just a historical note:

Twenty-nine years ago, on this day, a twenty-four year old Roger Clemens struck out twenty Seattle Mariners.

We're a Group of Non-Entities.

So the pitching is going to be a problem after all. Isn't it? It was just a poor job all around but you'd like for your starters to not be so terrible. Being just okay-ish would be fantastic.

As to the offense: With this pitching staff, scoring three runs and then resting on your laurels just isn't going to cut it. So David? I love you but no more of that nonsense, okay?

I seem to recall that Happy beat the O's on Patriots' Day a few years back. Let's hope for a repeat of that performance instead of his more recent attempts at pitching. Splitsville, here we come. Hopefully.

High Flying Wings on My Shoes.

( Source: Maddie Meyer/Getty Images North America)

YaBettsBelieve.

Truthfully, when he took off for third I didn't believe. I thought for sure that he was going to be out and it would be not so good. But the kid is something else and really, really fun to watch.

Up to His Old Tricks Again.

Boo.

Night and Day.

 

( Source: Elsa/Getty Images North America)

So maybe I'm a little punch drunk at the moment but that was fun.

It's one of the things that is great about this game: No sissy ties. No artificial endings. Somebody loses, somebody wins and you just keep slogging through until that's accomplished. It's philosophically wonderful.

Also, good night.

Buy Her a Box at the Opera.

In a surprising turn of events, the Red Sox have signed Rick Porcello to a four-year, $82.5 million dollar extension.

It seems high-ish but hopefully, he'll be worth it. The real problem is that he chose to make his announcement on Derek Jeter's stupid website and I was forced to go over there. It was a nice little piece, though.

Don't Fence Me In.

( Source: Drew Hallowell/Getty Images North America)

That, gentlemen, was a lot of fun.

Clay looked good. Granted he was pitching to the Phillies but he looked good. If he could truly be that guy then they might actually have something going on. A healthy Dustin Pedroia is a joy. And Mookie Betts? What can you say about that kid? His bat is so fast. May this game be a sign of things to come.

 

Another Op'nin, Another Show.

I guess that it's a Cole Porter kind of year. So, while recently we may not have had all that much to say around here, it's probably a good thing that he was so prolific. (I don't really know what all that means but there's a perfect song/blog title and then there's a perfect song/blog title and in the end, who am I to argue?)

It really is like summer stock; same players, different plot everyday. I think that there are those in this game who don't understand that (people like David Price or Chris Archer--people who bang the nonsensical respect-the-game drum) this is theatre. It's camp. A bit of frivolity. There are heros and villains and, hopefully, the triumph of good over evil.

[Aside: Speaking of drums: I'd bet that the idiot with the drum in Cleveland can often be heard ranting about respecting the game.]

And say what you will about this team (I'd have a hard time disagreeing with the idea that their pitching isn't going to be able to do it.) but they should be fun. And fun is what a baseball team should be--who wants to sit around and watch boring theatre beside pretentious nincompoops and Yankee fans?

So let's start the show.

Break a leg boys.

Stylin.

This is fantastic.

Mookie Betts offers fashion advice to John Farrell. I do think that Mr. Lantern-Jaw would be better off skipping the pink but I am seriously grinning from ear-to-ear.

Same Old, Same Old.

Clay (of course it was Clay because he's not very smart) ordered t-shirts for the starters stating "He's the ace." Apparently, Joe Kelly is not the mystery man to whom Clay was referring.

Way to ruin an evening Joe.

Signs of Spring.

Robins? Check.





Crocuses and daffodils? Maybe. There's too much snow to tell yet.


Baseball games? Tonight on MLB Network.

Soon.

There will not be baseball on television tomorrow night but there will be Tom Caron and talk about baseball on television tomorrow night and that is pretty swanky.

Also upcoming next week Tom Caron will talk you through a thirty minute recap of the day's workout. My head says, Why would anyone watch that? but my heart knows that I'll be tuning in.

And then most importantly: Games!

DATE	OPPONENT	TIME
Sunday, March 8	New York Mets (Port St. Lucie)	1:00 PM
Friday, March 13	New York Yankees	7:00 PM
Sunday, March 15	Philadelphia (Clearwater)	1:00 PM
Tuesday, March 17	Atlanta	1:00 PM
Saturday, March 21	Pittsburgh (Bradenton)	1:00 PM
Sunday, March 22	Philadelphia	1:00 PM
Sunday, March 29	Tampa Bay	1:00 PM
Monday, March 30	Minnesota	7:00 PM
Tuesday, March 31	Tampa Bay (Port Charlotte)	1:00 PM
Wednesday, April 1	Toronto	1:00 PM
Friday, April 3	Minnesota	1:00 PM
Friday, March 4	Minnesota (Hammond Stadium)	1:00 PM

Cabin Fever.

Somewhere there is air that is warmer than twenty degrees. Somewhere there are snowbanks that you can see over. Somewhere the wind is calm. Somewhere there is a truck that is no longer full of baseball equipment. Somewhere there is hope. Somewhere there is spring. Somewhere there is baseball.

But not here.

Football And Other Stories.

Post by Pacific Northwest Ballet.

I believe that, in the past, I've made it clear how I feel about the game of football. I will admit, though, that all the nonsense pushed me a little bit closer to caring about the outcome. Now, thankfully, we can move on to much better things.

But ballet! Who doesn't love ballet?

Memory.

My college violin teacher was fond of saying that I had a mind like a sieve. It's not true; the vast majority of the time I was just pretending that I didn't know what he was talking about because he was just a horrible person and I hated him. I think he also thought that I was terribly stupid too, he would frequently follow up the mind like a sieve comment by asking  if I knew what a sieve was. Yes, you hideous old man, I know what a sieve is...But that's a traumatic story for another day.

Point: With the whole gang down at Foxwoods, I got to wondering if my new love had ever played in Norwich. It turns out, he did in 2008. Wait a minute! That was the year I headed down there for the Mike Lowell bobblehead, I wonder if I saw him play? Turning to Google for the date of the game, I did see Pablo play! And then my sieve-like mind yelled out: Catcher! And I was right! He did play catcher.

So take that jackass. Steel trap.

Confession.

I'll admit that I've been having a difficult time hyping myself up for this upcoming season. I've been bored and haven't been able to convince myself to care.

But anybody who gets this excited about a little bit of snow? I think I'm in love. I could watch for Pablo Sandoval.

Is This Thing On?

*Blows dust off keyboard*

Congratulations to Pedro, the best pitcher anyone alive has ever seen, on his hall of fame nomination. A Pedro start was an event in and of itself, a reason to tune in during the dark pre-2004 days. Says Pedro of his nomination:

Cada vez que alguien se sienta en mi pais como que necesita buscar fuerzas, que me miren a mi. Soy una señal de esperanza.
— Pedro Martinez (@45PedroMartinez) January 6, 2015

Every time someone from my country feels that they need to look for strength, they can look to me. I am a beacon of hope.  (Translation mine)

Who needs humility, when you're in the Baseball Hall of Fame?