Shy.

Say what you will about him but Ben Cherington is certainly bold.

At this point, Cespedes is probably more reputation than actual talent but he's an above average player with a ton of power, even if he will insist on swinging at the curve ball in the dirt. And this might not be correct, but I feel like David is more successful when he has a Spanish-speaking buddy on the team--and I don't doubt David's ability to make friends, he could probably charm Price if he was so inclined.

Who knows about Allen Craig. If the foot is irreparably damaged, it's not a good acquisition but if he can heal? He's another useful piece. I do think though, that Will Middlebrooks should make a point of trying to trip him whenever he can.

Joe Kelly doesn't miss bats and might be better suited to the bullpen but you've got to have somebody start games. Just before the All-Star break when Victorino was like, "I never expected to play at Futures at Fenway", Cherington probably smirked, "Just you wait."

As for the guys heading out the door, I never personally cared for Jon Lester or John Lackey and I didn't really have an opinion on Jonny Gomes but I will miss Andrew Miller.

There Won't Be Trumpets.

Not for this team.

It seems like once a month they come pretty close to getting no-hit and if some poor schmuck eventually manages to do it, it'll have to come with an asterisk: __________ threw a no-hitter today (or maybe a perfect game, that's always a possibility) against the 2014 Boston Red Sox* 

*Given their woeful season, it probably shouldn't actually count.

And tomorrow they get to go down to Tampa for the battle-of-the-not-quite-dead, though one team is certainly closer to dead now than the other team. Fantastic.
 

You Gotta Have a Gimmick.

It seems to me that Clay is a barometer of this team's ability to succeed. When Clay can put together a good year, the team does well. When he sucks, the team never works it out.

This year we get crappy Clay. It's too bad.

I Know Things Now.

I suppose that it would be stating the obvious to say that this team is frustrating. I was ready to accept that they stunk. I was. But then they win a couple of games (albeit against the White Sox and the Astros) and I'm right back with them. And then they go back to being awful.

They don't seem to be able to play up to their potential but it's been so long, maybe this is their potential. Dustin, as sad as it may be, seems to be finito.  And Jake? I like Jake so it's probably better for him to be shipped off somewhere, who would want to hang around with this lot?

I Guess I'll Miss the Man.

A.J. Pierzynski has been DFA'd. And there was much rejoicing.

Not by me. I always feel terribly awful about these things. I'm just too tender-hearted for this game.

Brush Up Your Shakespeare.

It's been awhile since we've played this game but when you've just been seriously embarassed, it might be time to reconsider the whole baseball as a profession thing. Never fear though, I'm here to help guide these men to more appropriate professions.

(Programming note: Like the last time we played, I will only be covering the Americans--and Xander Bogaerts because I'm under the impression that he had a more middle class upbringing--because then you get into a discussion of poverty and opportunity and that's just a drag. Also, I'll be ignoring our Japanese friends because I really don't know anything about them.)

Mike Napoli: I'd suggest bartending for Nap. He seems like an easy going guy, who likes people. Not a dive bar or a club or some ultra-hip place, but a little laid back bar on a beach, something out of a Jimmy Buffet song, seems appropriate.

Stephen Drew: This one stumped me for a long time. The obvious answer when you think of a Drew is preacher or missionary or something in that vein, and as the fun Drew, I just don't see that for Stephen. What I finally settled on was art restorer. He's got good hands and he's got a good eye and it's a quite job where he wouldn't be too put upon by the outside world.

Dustin Pedroia:The answer to the question, 'What would Dustin Pedroia be if he wasn't a baseball player?' seems to inevitably be...a baseball player. But if forced to choose, I think that he might do well in the world of non-profit fundraising. Find a cause he supports and throw all of his energy into charming people into giving up their cash.

Xander Bogaerts: He's a good-looking kid but not too good-looking. He's polite and well-spoken. He's charming. I think that a career in politics is definitely in the cards for him.

Mookie Betts: Elvis impersonator. If it turns out that he can't sing, we'll let him off the hook since he's from Tennessee and give him a job as a tour guide at Graceland.

Jonny Gomes: The first thing I thought was survivalist but that's not a job. Then I thought ex-military, former Green Beret, but that's a title and not a job that one can take up in their mid-thirties. So, because he seems to care greatly about the well-being of others and little about his own, I landed on firefighter.  And I could see that.

Jackie Bradley Jr.: Bradley Jr. seems like a smart kid but perhaps a little cautious--not the type to run into a burning building for fun. So, I've dropped him in finance and made him a banker. Not in the go-go world of Wall Street but in a large investment house managing pension funds.

Daniel Nava: He's a hard-worker and he's dedicated. He's calm and understanding. He doesn't flip out (at least I don't ever recall an instance of Daniel Nava flipping out). I see an elementary school teacher in Nava.

Brock Holt: Brock Holt could do anything he put his mind to. (Also, I don't know anything about him so I can't think of anything for him.)

A.J. Pierzynski: Pierzynski seems to have a clear idea of right and wrong. He doesn't seem to be afraid of anyone. He cuts an imposing figure. I think that he'd do well as a cop.

David Ross: Soft spoken and self-effacing. Seems like a good-listener. Experience dealing with lunatics and obsessives. I think that David Ross would make a fine psychologist.

Shane Victorino: I'd put Victorino on television but he talks way too fast but he might be able to find work as a radio show host.

Will Middlebrooks: I don't want to seem mean, he seems like a sweet boy, but he's just too dumb to have a job, so I'll go with unemployed.

Jon Lester: Jon Lester doesn't seem to like people or to like dealing with people or really to want to have anything to do with people. I think that he could learn computer coding and his lack of social graces wouldn't be such a problem in his new career as computer programmer.

Clay Buchholz: Clay has really long fingers and may have missed his calling as a concert pianist. I don't know about taking up piano this late in life, so if that didn't work out--I'd think that large hands would be beneficial to a mechanic.

John Lackey: Mime. Really this would be a service to the world because John Lackey should have a job where he is prohibited from ever speaking.

Jake Peavy: If there was anyone on this team that fit into the mold of a preacher, it would have to be Jake Peavy. He seems so very enthusiastic, it's hard not to want to follow him. I don't know where he fits on the God scale from say a Masterson to a Pedroia but if religion isn't his thing he could always be a salesman.

[Skipping Brandon Workman and the rest of the 'pen to get to]

Craig Breslow: It seems pretty clear at this point that Craig should have stuck with medicine.

My Eyes Are Fully Open.

I guess that that answers that: They really are that bad.

At least, we now know the truth.

You can't pretend that a team that loses to the Cubs is just unlucky, that at some point they'll turn it around or figure it out or whatever it might take to be better. There isn't some magic wand that will fix this team.

You can't pretend that getting Victorino back will make some big difference. You probably can't even assume that Shane will be able to not play in 2015. You can't act like Will Middlebrooks will be able to focus and be worth anything whatsoever.

Ryan Dempster may have been the smartest of them all.

They officially stink.