Magic Mirror.

"The human brain is a complex organ with the wonderful power of enabling man to find reasons for continuing to believe whatever it is that he wants to believe." --Voltaire.

Daniel Bard believes that he's a major league starter.  The question is why? What does he see in his performance that warrants that belief. Without the velocity to back it up, his fastball is pedestrian and he can't throw a strike with the damn thing. He hands out like walks like candy on Halloween. His change up is sometimes okay but mostly he's not giving his team the opportunity to win.

The only reason that this game is even remotely close is because they're playing the Orioles.

Hi! My Name is Clay Buchholz...

(AP Photo)

and I suck when I calls don't go my way.

Game Plan.

Papellbon said he is looking forward most to facing Ortiz, or as he called him, "Big Sloppy"
— Gordon Edes (@GordonEdes) May 18, 2012

Jonathan Papelbon is giving off a seriously nasty Luke Scott vibe.

How does he suppose he'll be received in Boston? "Pap will get a really good receptuon. Cinco, I don't know what kind of reception.''
— Gordon Edes (@GordonEdes) May 18, 2012

Not if somebody doesn't put a muzzle on him, he won't.

I don't want to see him all weekend. So here's the game plan: Get rid of the starter. Yeah, their starting pitchers are good but you're the Boston Red Sox. If you can remember how to put together good at bats, you can get rid of him by the sixth inning. The bullpen, with the exception of Bot, is awful. Get a decent enough lead and we won't ever have to see or hear from him for another year. 

Money Can't Buy You Love.

'EEI is shocked, shocked! that Jonathan Papelbon is a moron. I don't recall but maybe they were the ones loudly beating the the-dumb-hick-thing-must-be-an-act-because-nobody-can-be-that-stupid drum. But to the rest of us, this is not news.

From the moment that someone gave Bot a platform, he made it perfectly clear that the only thing that he cares about is money. Recall that he was willing to go play for the Pirates if they were the ones willing to pay him. Theo Epstein, who is usually very guarded with his speech, publicly called him out for being dumb. Then there's that ridiculous investment and, undoubtedly footing the bill for his wife's baby-as-accessory line of clothing. [Aside: I wonder at what age such a child develops the courage to tell of its mother with a "What is wrong with you? I'm a person, not a purse!" Although, I suspect that it'll never be an issue for her as neither of her children will ever develop the verbal acuity to drop such a bon mot on her.]

All that said, I'm glad that he's someone else's moron. And Eck's smack down of him last night was a thing of beauty.

A Belted Knight.

(Getty Images)

I may have been a little bit harsh about the acquisition of Marlon Byrd. He's not the player he was two years ago. He may not get to the balls that he should be able to catch. Most of the time, he might not have productive at bats and he might not hit the ball well when he happens to make contact. But tonight, he wasn't totally useless. And he absolutely flew around the bases after he hit his home run, which made me grin. In order to reward him and to show their appreciation for him not being terrible, I really think that they team should provide him with a new belt.

After all, a man who wears such big ol' diamonds in his ears can't be overly pleased with such a cheapo, cracked belt.

'M Srry.

Yesterday, Jon Lester announced his partnership with the Pediatric Cancer Research Foundation and helped launch their NVRQT fundraiser. Well, he's just the sort of charming people-person that you'd want to have asking people for money.

There's video of the little press conference on the Red Sox website. Not really worth the effort to watch but the realization that grows on the other guy's face toward the end of the video that this awkward, scowl-y individual who won't stop  talking to the table and doesn't seem to be able to express an idea about anything other than himself and he can't even do that clearly, is his new spokesman, is priceless.

But mostly I just wanted to post this wonderful little bit of strangeness.

So Chic.

Golf-Gate: a good, old-fashioned media freakout!

On the off day Thursday, Josh Beckett and Clay Buchholz went golfing. Yesterday the media decided that this was a big deal and engaged in a freakout of immense proportions.

Heavens above! *Clutches pearls* Golfing! On an off-day! What is the world coming to?

Valentine and co., rightly, suggested that it was no big deal. The media, all in a dither, didn't seem to enjoy the suggestion that they were having trouble with telling the difference between mountains and molehills.

Steve Buckley:

#RedSox logic: There's no problem w/ Josh Beckett playing golf because they TELL you there's no problem. Got that? Now guy buy a brick.
— Steve Buckley (@BuckinBoston) May 11, 2012

Are they still selling those bricks? I thought that that was a thing last year. Also, if they don't have a problem with it and they employ him, then why exactly should I have a problem with it? Because you told me to? #IndependentThinking

Lou Merloni:

PUKE!!!!!!!!“@GordonEdes: Q to Beckett: Do people have right to question why you were golfing when you skipped a start: "Not on my off day"”
— Lou Merloni (@LouMerloni) May 11, 2012

Look at all those exclamation points. He must be serious. But wait there's more!

Beckett's press conference couldn't be more dissapointing.yes, u can do whatever you want on your off day, but when u miss a turn?
— Lou Merloni (@LouMerloni) May 11, 2012

Wake up and figure it out. Volunteer to pitch on Sunday then. Man, I want to pull my friggan hair out. Someone doesn't get it
— Lou Merloni (@LouMerloni) May 11, 2012

I can't even sleep right now. I'm so pissed at what I heard.Getting lit was bad but the words that came out of his mouth? Embarrassing
— Lou Merloni (@LouMerloni) May 11, 2012

Lou Merloni seems to be an angry man. I suspect that he's not actually angry at Beckett but rather at his own inability to make any sense. You can do whatever you want on your off-day. Grand! We're in agreement. But when you miss a turn...the sentence needs another clause. But when you miss a turn, you must take tap dance lessons; you must eat spaghetti for supper; you must sit in your apartment all day and hang your head in shame. Also, this infamous golf game was on Thursday, he wasn't skipped until Saturday, so technically he hadn't missed his turn yet.

Dude was asleep! That was why he pitched so badly tonight. I don't know how I missed it. The 'someone' is probably meant to refer to Beckett but I don't know what's with the sudden coyness. Maybe, he's talking about himself or *gasp* Lou Merloni is totally talking about me because I certainly don't get it.

He really does have a clause problem. Doesn't he?

I'm not generally one to agree with Josh Beckett on anything. He's a jackass but he is right. It's his off-day. If the club has no objection to him playing golf, he can do as he damn-well pleases. Though the transformation of Josh Beckett from sacred cow to media whipping boy, is an interesting one. They must really have resented his non-apology during spring training.

I don't know why the dates on the tweets are wrong. They were all written on May 10.

Acceptance.

Another game, another loss. What did you expect?

During the off-season the talk was that the starting pitching was going to be better because they'd get Clay back and they couldn't run Lackey out there every five days.  But then Jon Lester and Josh Beckett turned into pumpkins and Clay is a nutcase (whose new mechanics may relieve stress on his back but do not prove conducive to throwing anything other than batting practice) who throws royal tantrums because the mean umpires are mean to him.  

But what do you do? You can't continue to carry five awful starting pitchers but who do you replace them with? Clay shouldn't go again (I'll predict 8 runs in three innings from him tomorrow. Won't be his fault though. The umpires will be making him throw meatballs.) I suppose that you could go with Matsuzaka, he couldn't be any worse.

Theo certainly left a mess before high-tailing it to Chicago.

On Johnny Damon.

I think that it may be time to give cut Johnny Damon a break.

The man left half a dozen years ago. Being lied to hurt our pride; we felt duped, liked we'd been played for a fool. But the man has shown that he's as disingenuous (All I've ever wanted to do was be a Yankee...I mean a Tiger....I mean play in Tampa, as long as they're good...I mean a Yankee...Cleveland. That's where I've always wanted to play.) as they come.

But with the crappy way this team is playing, it seems very petty to boo Damon. Especially, if they are going to cheer for Derek Lowe.

A Late-Spring Night's Nightmare.

If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended:

That you have but slumber'd here, while these visions did appear.

And this weak and idle theme, no more yielding than a dream.

Last night, Bobby Valentine appeared in my dream. I don't totally remember what was going on (it did involve gophers) but he was trying to calm people down. But the truth is: this team is embarrassingly awful. They say that pitching and defense win championships but this team can't do either. And try as he might, there's really no point in calming anyone down. They stink.

Jon Lester seems to have wilted without John Farrell. There was a time when he seemed like he could have become something special. Now, at his best he's mediocre; the kind of guy you put at the back of your rotation with the expectation that he'll get you into the sixth inning without giving up too many runs.

Without Crawford (who I figured had to be better than last season) or Ellsbury (who I figured wasn't going to be nearly what he was last year but would be useful), Valentine is forced to use Cody Ross and Marlon Byrd as regulars. And the pair of them aren't exactly proving that they belong out there.

They've been over-matched by the Baltimore Orioles and the Kansas City Royals. That's how pathetic they are.

For Pete's Sake.

A little bit early but clearly the boys need a change in mojo or attitude or something. They are the Orioles, for goodness sake.

You Gotta Have Heart.

Alright boyos. I brought breakfast, lovely little Puerto Rican pastries. I made them myself. So let's have a nice little chat and catch up.


So many things to discuss: we could talk about how the starting pitching has just been so terribly awful, or how you just dropped a series to the mighty A's, or how Bobby Valentine doesn't seem to have a clue as to how to manage pitching or that Franklin Morales should only be allowed to pitch to left-handed batters, or that the timely hits seem to have been put in the checked luggage and have been swallowed up by the great abyss that is lost airline baggage, or that you seem to have collectively forgotten how to take a walk unless absolutely forced to do so, or that there are too many players on this team who swing at the first pitch and end up making an out, or most importantly that you are managing to suck all the fun out of watching baseball.

I love baseball. I love watching baseball. And by an accident of birth, you are my team. You were my dad's team and his father's team. I was born here and I grew up here. I'm stuck with you. But I hate watching you play baseball. It's a chore to tune in. It really is.

Last year, I may have moaned and groaned about your rough start but I always believed that there was something to that team. This year, it seems like you're struggling toward mediocrity. Maybe you'll win eighty-one games but that may very well be a unrealizable feat. I know that it's early and that things have a way of shaking out over the course of the season. The ship will be righted. Small samples will average out over a larger sample. Baseball is a fantastically fun game but if you continue to play joylessly, you'll be the Yankees, without the results, and it will be so hard to care.

Nice chat boys. Enjoy your pastry. I'll be watching tomorrow. I'll hate it. I'll wish that I was doing something else but I'll be watching.