If a Baseball Game was Played in Florida and No One Broadcasts It, Was It Really Played?

It's almost three in the morning. I have places to go and things to do a couple of hours from now but I'm sitting here staring at the computer because my toe hurts. I seem to have veered into the land of over-training and have sprained the damn thing. I've tried ignoring the pain, meditation, stretching the foot, massaging the toe, but to no avail. I'm likely going to have to resort to ibuprofen but I'm reluctant to hop/hobble my way over to the medicine cabinet so close to a time when I have to be doing other things.

It's sort of similar to the way I feel about baseball right now. (So, that wasn't just a whine; I have a point in here somewhere.) I would really prefer to not have to pay any attention to it. I would like to be doing better, more useful things with my time. But the dull ache just won't go away no matter what I try and so it's going to drag me along into another season.

And just like the fact that I will get my seven miles in tonight, despite all my moaning: I'll enjoy the baseball season, despite hating it.

But mostly I'm bored with spring training.

Also, I've come to the conclusion that Ryan Sweeney is a tease, a baseball coquette if you will. You see the kid for the first time (because who really watches the A's?) and he's huge. He absolutely looks the part of a baseball player. Cerebrally, you understand that he's not much of a hitter but you look at him in the box and you kind of forget. Then he swings.

For Starters.

In not unexpected news, Jon Lester has been named the starter for the first game of the season in Detroit on April 5. Bobby Valentine also decided to throw Josh Beckett to the wolves, assigning him the job of opening at Fenway on Friday April 13.

One wonders if the home team has ever been booed during introductions on Opening Day. One hopes, of course, that they get off to a decent start this season but if they didn't, it would be fascinating.

Rain Delay Theater Presents: Julius Caesar.

Here at Rain Delay Theater we're in previews for the upcoming season and so we present a snippet of Julius Caesar for your enjoyment.

Production Note: Mike Aviles was miscast in the role of Cassius. The casting director doesn't know what she was thinking and apologizes. In the final production the role will go, on intimidating appearance alone, to Vicente Padilla.


Act I, Scene ii.
JetBlue Park, Ft. Myers, Florida.

Enter Daniel Bard, followed by the team; dressed for a work out.

Bard: Ryan!

Pedroia: Guys, shut up! Daniel wants to say something.

Bard: Ryan!

Sweeney: What's up?

Bard: Make sure you stand in front of Jacoby when the race starts.

Ellsbury: What? Why?

Bard: It's like a slumpbuster. When a racer gets hit during the race, it gets him out of a funk.

Ellsbury: Okay. When Daniel says to do something, you do it.

Bard: Fantastic. Don't forget.

Valentine: Bard!

Bard: Huh? Who said that?

Pedroia: Guys! Shut up!

Bard: Who yelled?

Valentine: Beware the Ides of March.

Bard: Who was that?

Aceves: Valentine says to beware the Ides of March.

Bard: What? Let me see him.

Aviles: Bobby, Bard wants to see you.

Bard: What did you say?

Valentine: Beware the Ides of March.

Bard: Bah. Forget it. Let's go.

Exit all but Aceves and Aviles.

Aviles: Are you going to watch the practice?

Aceves: Not me.

Aviles: I wish that you would.

Aceves: Nah. It's really not my idea of fun. But don't let me stop you from going, Mike. Enjoy it.

Aviles: What has been up with you lately, my man? You've been really distant and super quiet. I have been nothing but a friend to you.

Aceves: Sorry, man. It's nothing to do with you. I think I've been thinking too much lately. I really think of you as a good friend and this shouldn't have fallen onto you. Don't worry. I'll get myself straightened out.

Aviles: Well then, I'm glad that you're not mad at me. In that case, have you seen yourself lately?

Aceves: Naw, man. I haven't looked in a mirror.

Aviles: What I see when I look at you is a man of great talent. I wish that when you looked at yourself, you could see it too.

Aceves: Are you trying to get me in trouble? What good could come from looking at myself?

Aviles: I'm not trying to cause trouble for you. I'd just like you to see the good in yourself and the ability that you have.

Noise off stage

Aceves: Why are they yelling? I fear that it must mean that they've named Bard to be the fourth starter.

Aviles: Afraid? So then you don't think that he'll be good?

Aceves: To be honest, I really don't think so. But then I'm not paid to make those choices.

Aviles: I know you Freddy. I know you're ready. I know that Bard is no better than you. And so now they've made our fourth starter.

Noise off stage

Aceves: More shouting! And now they've probably named him the starter for our opening day.

Aviles: And what's so special about Daniel Bard? Why should they just think he'll be any good? You Alfredo, you would be just as good.

Aceves: I'm glad that you think so highly of me. And I'm starting to understand what you think that we should do about Daniel Bard. But for the moment, let's leave it alone. I promise you that I'll think about it. But know this: I would rather be a reliever than deal with the consequences of doing the thing you are suggesting.

Aviles: I'm glad that my words can be of some use.

Enter Bard and Others

Aceves: Practice is over, they are returning.

Aviles: Grab Pedey as they pass, he always talks.

Aceves: I will. But look! Nobody looks happy.

Aviles: Dustin will tell us what happened today.

Bard: Jacoby!

Ellsbury: Daniel?

Bard: Can you get Mike out of here? I don't like the look of him and his calf muscles creep me out man.

Ellsbury: Will do. But you shouldn't worry about him. He is completely harmless. Just likes to talk.

Bard: I'm not afraid but he's just so creepy. If I was going to be afraid of anyone, then it would have to be him. Definitely, way too creepy for me. But tell me, Jacoby, what do you think?

Exit Bard with all but Pedroia

Pedroia: You want to talk to me or something, man?

Aceves: Tell us what happened that made Bard so mad.

Pedroia: But you were there...

Aceves: If I had been there, then I wouldn't need to ask you what happened.

Pedroia: Well, they offered Daniel a starting job but then he said that he couldn't take it. So the rest of the guys starting yelling at him that, of course, he could do the job.

Aceves: What was the second noise about?

Pedroia: The same.

Aceves: And the third time they yelled?

Pedroia: It was the same.

Aceves: They offered him the starting job three times?

Pedroia: They did. And three times Daniel refused it.

Aceves: Tell us what exactly happened out there.

Pedroia: The first time they offered the job to him, he refused to even listen to them. Then they offered again and maybe he listened a little more. Then they offered a third time and the team got really loud. The team was encouraging him to take it and getting real close to him and then after he wouldn't do it the third time, well, then Daniel fell right down to the floor.

Aviles: Wait! Bard fainted?

Pedroia: Fell straight down to the floor, foamed at the mouth, and Daniel was speechless.

Aceves: I could see that. He's got epilepsy.

Aviles: Not true, Freddy. Bard doesn't have epilepsy. It is us with epilepsy.

Pedroia: I don't know what you're talking about but I definitely saw Daniel fall down.

Aceves: And then what happened when Daniel awoke?

Pedroia: Well, he said that if he'd done anything wrong then it was because of the sickness. And so then the team forgave him for it.

Aceves: And then he came back through here looking mad?

Pedroia: Yup.

Aviles: And Daisuke, did he say anything?

Pedroia: He did. He said something in Japanese.

Aviles: What did he say?

Pedroia: Don't know. If I said that I knew Japanese, then I'd be lying. But Junichi thought that it was funny. It was, however, Japanese to me.

Aviles: And will you have dinner with me tonight?

Pedroia: No. I have plans.

Aviles: How about tomorrow?

Pedroia: I will, if your supper is worth having.

Aviles: I'll see you then.

Pedroia: You will. Bye. Both of you.

Exit Pedroia

Aceves: Idiot. You know he went to college?

Aviles: It's all for show. People find him funny.

Aceves: You're right, of course. I've got to get going. Call me tomorrow and we'll talk some more.

Exit Aceves

Aviles: So, Freddy.You're a noble kind of man. But really you should hang out with other guys like yourself, honor doesn't last long when you're with guys like me. Bard isn't my biggest fan but he loves Freddy. If I were Freddy and Freddy were me, then I wouldn't have let him influence me. Tonight, I'll send him some texts like they were from different guys on the team telling him how much of a better choice he would be than Daniel. And then Bard had better watch out.

Exit Aviles

The Origin of Fandom.

Why do we become a fan of a particular team? Why do we align ourselves with a single uniform, a single tradition, forsaking all others? It's an interesting question.

For a lot of people it's a question of geography. For others it's heredity. And for some it's being ignored by one player on a team you love and an act of kindness from a player on a team you're supposed to hate that switches your loyalty.

So goes the story of Allie Tarantino of Stamford, Connecticut. And the inspiration for his book, "I Love the Red Sox, I Hate the Yankees." Haven't read it but: Jim Ed for the win.

Hey! A Movie!

Don't you cry, little Trevor. Your dad has got himself a budding new career as a documentary film subject.

A film dedicated to the knuckleball, called...well, Knuckball!, will be premiered at the Tribeca Film festival next month. The documentary features our very own (of course he's still our own) Timmy Wakefield.

I don't know how long you could talk about a knuckleball and still have anything interesting to say but Shakes did allow the crew to follow him around last summer and film his pursuit of win 200, which might just be worth seeing.

Give a Man Enough Rope.

Cody is a good cowboy name. We learned today that Cody Ross has some cowboy in him, having learned to be a roper when he was just a little bitty thing. He claims to be the best roper in the clubhouse and I wouldn't doubt him; the only other guy with a real cowboy name is Clay and Clay just seems way to awkward to be able to properly throw a rope.

Twins Territory.

One of the best things about spring training is being reminded that the Twins exist. This is important because I am then reminded of the geniuses who work in the Twins marketing department.

If you've ever wanted to watch Joe Mauer stroke a lion's mane and explain in his adorable accent how he really is an outgoing guy, then the commercials that the Twins put out this year are for you.