Thursday, August 21, 2014
Dropping Like Flies.
Yoenis Céspedes left tonight's game due to personal reasons. My guess? He personally couldn't stand playing for such a crappy, incompetent team.
A Joke.
Perhaps a little light entertainment because this season is...not. (Note: I didn't write this joke.)
Once upon a time, there were these two racehorses: Moe and Joe. Moe and Joe were born on the same farm, within days of each other. They grew up together, frolicked in the same fields, and were the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. As they grew older they began their training together and ran against each other every day. Some days Moe would win and some days Joe would win. But they always remained the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. On the day before their first big race, Moe turned to Joe and said, "You know what, Joe? We are the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. We shouldn't let the outcome of this race, whatever it happens to be, ruin our friendship." "You know what, Moe? You're right. We should always remain the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer." So the day of the big race came, they were coming down the backstretch and it was Moe then Joe then Moe then Joe then Moe and Joe won. From the winners circle, Joe barely had time to wave at his friend Moe before he was whisked off and had newspaper articles written about him and he was featured on magazine covers. And Moe was happy for his friend. After all, they were the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. After a couple of weeks, Joe finally came back to the farm where they both lived. Joe was all excited to tell Moe about his big adventure but Moe was a little put out. "You know what, Joe?" he said. "We're supposed to be the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. And while you were gone, I didn't hear from you once. You didn't write. You didn't call. It was like I didn't matter to you." "I'm so sorry, Moe. I really am. I just got so swept up in the excitement and I didn't really have a whole lot of time to myself. But that's no excuse. We're supposed to be the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. And that's not how a friend acts. Tell you what. The next time we race against each other, I'll let you win and then you'll see." "You don't have to do that for me." "I don't have to but I want to." "You'd really do that for me?" "Of course, we're the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer." "Well, gee, thanks Joe." "Not a problem, Moe." So the next big race came up and Moe was pretty excited. He was looking forward to getting all the accolades that his friend Joe had gotten. The race began and it was Moe then Joe then Moe then Joe then Moe then Joe then Moe then...Joe won again. After the race, Joe was embarrassed: losing wasn't as easy as he had thought that it would be and so he avoided his friend in the paddock. He didn't want to see how disappointed Moe would be. Moe, meanwhile, waited patiently for his friend afterward. He understood that Joe hadn't meant to win but that the spirit of the race had just swept him up. He wasn't angry at his friend. But Joe never showed. Three weeks later, Joe sheepishly walked into the stables of the farm that they both lived on. Before Moe could say anything, Joe said, "Moe, I'm so sorry. Look I brought you some souvenirs and I got you a celebrity autograph. I really did mean to let you win." "I understand that, Joe. I understood that three weeks ago. But you left without saying goodbye and then I didn't hear from you for three weeks. Not even a little postcard. You were just gone. *Poof* It's a rotten way to treat a friend." "I know, Moe. I know. I was just so worried that you'd be mad at me. I said that I'd let you win and then I didn't. I didn't know if we'd still be the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. after what I did." "Of course, we would have been, Joe. You don't let a little thing like that break up such a good friendship." "What about now, Moe?" "What about now?" "Can you forgive me? Are we still the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer?" "Oh, Joe. Of course." "You know what Moe? You're the best friend ever. We're better than the best of friends. We're better than two peas in a pod. We're better than two pigs in a blanket. We're closer than likethis but even closer. You know what I'm going to do for you? I am really going to let you win the next race that we have against each other. And then you'll get to go on a world tour and meet celebrities and be on the cover of horse racing magazines. Even if I have to run backwards or stand stock still. I'm going to let you win." "You'd do that for me, Joe." "I'd do that for you Moe because we're the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer." So the day of the big race came and they were in the starting gate and Joe turned to Moe and said, "Are you ready for your big win? Are you ready to go off on a world tour and meet celebrities and be famous?" Moe, if he had to admit it was more than a little excited to get the accolades that his friend had been getting. "I'm ready Joe!" The race started and it was Moe then Joe then Moe then Joe then Moe then Joe then Moe then...Joe won by a nose. Again. Moe was mad. Not just because the horse who claimed that they were the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. had beaten him not just because that same friend was grinning like an idiot in the winners circle but also because Joe had had an opportunity to let him win, it would have been easy but instead he kicked it into another gear and made a fool of Moe for believing him. But Moe was not having it this time. This was supposed to be his opportunity to shine and his best friend had taken it away from him. He marched right up to Joe in the winners circle, he wasn't letting him get away for a month without owning up to what he did. "Joe!" he said. "I thought that you were going to let me win for once. I thought that that was the plan. I thought that you cared about something other than yourself. I thought that you cared about our friendship, that we were the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. I thought that that mattered to you." "Moe--" Moe cut him off, "No. I'm going to say my piece. You said that I mattered to you but you don't act like it and it makes me feel really rotten. Not just that I can't beat you, I can except that--" "Moe--" "I was looking forward to that world tour. I wanted to meet celebrities and be on the cover of horse racing magazine. But instead of any of that, I just feel a fool for believing you." Joe was yelling at this point and causing a commotion. A shaggy dog came up to them to try to calm Moe down. "Moe. Joe." he said. "Let's not do this here. You guys are the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. I'm sure that you can work this out."
Moe looked at Joe.
Joe looked at Moe.
And said, "Hey look! A talking dog."
Also, Clay is the worst and David is the best.
Once upon a time, there were these two racehorses: Moe and Joe. Moe and Joe were born on the same farm, within days of each other. They grew up together, frolicked in the same fields, and were the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. As they grew older they began their training together and ran against each other every day. Some days Moe would win and some days Joe would win. But they always remained the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. On the day before their first big race, Moe turned to Joe and said, "You know what, Joe? We are the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. We shouldn't let the outcome of this race, whatever it happens to be, ruin our friendship." "You know what, Moe? You're right. We should always remain the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer." So the day of the big race came, they were coming down the backstretch and it was Moe then Joe then Moe then Joe then Moe and Joe won. From the winners circle, Joe barely had time to wave at his friend Moe before he was whisked off and had newspaper articles written about him and he was featured on magazine covers. And Moe was happy for his friend. After all, they were the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. After a couple of weeks, Joe finally came back to the farm where they both lived. Joe was all excited to tell Moe about his big adventure but Moe was a little put out. "You know what, Joe?" he said. "We're supposed to be the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. And while you were gone, I didn't hear from you once. You didn't write. You didn't call. It was like I didn't matter to you." "I'm so sorry, Moe. I really am. I just got so swept up in the excitement and I didn't really have a whole lot of time to myself. But that's no excuse. We're supposed to be the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. And that's not how a friend acts. Tell you what. The next time we race against each other, I'll let you win and then you'll see." "You don't have to do that for me." "I don't have to but I want to." "You'd really do that for me?" "Of course, we're the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer." "Well, gee, thanks Joe." "Not a problem, Moe." So the next big race came up and Moe was pretty excited. He was looking forward to getting all the accolades that his friend Joe had gotten. The race began and it was Moe then Joe then Moe then Joe then Moe then Joe then Moe then...Joe won again. After the race, Joe was embarrassed: losing wasn't as easy as he had thought that it would be and so he avoided his friend in the paddock. He didn't want to see how disappointed Moe would be. Moe, meanwhile, waited patiently for his friend afterward. He understood that Joe hadn't meant to win but that the spirit of the race had just swept him up. He wasn't angry at his friend. But Joe never showed. Three weeks later, Joe sheepishly walked into the stables of the farm that they both lived on. Before Moe could say anything, Joe said, "Moe, I'm so sorry. Look I brought you some souvenirs and I got you a celebrity autograph. I really did mean to let you win." "I understand that, Joe. I understood that three weeks ago. But you left without saying goodbye and then I didn't hear from you for three weeks. Not even a little postcard. You were just gone. *Poof* It's a rotten way to treat a friend." "I know, Moe. I know. I was just so worried that you'd be mad at me. I said that I'd let you win and then I didn't. I didn't know if we'd still be the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. after what I did." "Of course, we would have been, Joe. You don't let a little thing like that break up such a good friendship." "What about now, Moe?" "What about now?" "Can you forgive me? Are we still the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer?" "Oh, Joe. Of course." "You know what Moe? You're the best friend ever. We're better than the best of friends. We're better than two peas in a pod. We're better than two pigs in a blanket. We're closer than likethis but even closer. You know what I'm going to do for you? I am really going to let you win the next race that we have against each other. And then you'll get to go on a world tour and meet celebrities and be on the cover of horse racing magazines. Even if I have to run backwards or stand stock still. I'm going to let you win." "You'd do that for me, Joe." "I'd do that for you Moe because we're the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer." So the day of the big race came and they were in the starting gate and Joe turned to Moe and said, "Are you ready for your big win? Are you ready to go off on a world tour and meet celebrities and be famous?" Moe, if he had to admit it was more than a little excited to get the accolades that his friend had been getting. "I'm ready Joe!" The race started and it was Moe then Joe then Moe then Joe then Moe then Joe then Moe then...Joe won by a nose. Again. Moe was mad. Not just because the horse who claimed that they were the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. had beaten him not just because that same friend was grinning like an idiot in the winners circle but also because Joe had had an opportunity to let him win, it would have been easy but instead he kicked it into another gear and made a fool of Moe for believing him. But Moe was not having it this time. This was supposed to be his opportunity to shine and his best friend had taken it away from him. He marched right up to Joe in the winners circle, he wasn't letting him get away for a month without owning up to what he did. "Joe!" he said. "I thought that you were going to let me win for once. I thought that that was the plan. I thought that you cared about something other than yourself. I thought that you cared about our friendship, that we were the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. I thought that that mattered to you." "Moe--" Moe cut him off, "No. I'm going to say my piece. You said that I mattered to you but you don't act like it and it makes me feel really rotten. Not just that I can't beat you, I can except that--" "Moe--" "I was looking forward to that world tour. I wanted to meet celebrities and be on the cover of horse racing magazine. But instead of any of that, I just feel a fool for believing you." Joe was yelling at this point and causing a commotion. A shaggy dog came up to them to try to calm Moe down. "Moe. Joe." he said. "Let's not do this here. You guys are the best of friends. Two peas in a pod. Two pigs in a blanket. Likethis but closer. I'm sure that you can work this out."
Moe looked at Joe.
Joe looked at Moe.
And said, "Hey look! A talking dog."
Also, Clay is the worst and David is the best.
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