When I Grow Up...

Since none of this crew seems to be doing well at the whole baseball thing this season, I thought that it might be appropriate to pick out different careers for them. Careers for which they might have been better suited.

[Note: This isn't as fun a game to play with the Non-American players, what with the general lack of opportunity, so I'll just ignore them.]

Starting with the most obvious:

Clay Buchholz: With the scrawny-ness, the bug eyes, the horrible hair, and the ugly scrunched face, Clay Buchholz would probably have been better off pursuing a career as a carny. I can just picture him: lounging against a decrepit ride or game of chance, cigarette dangling from his lip, ogling the women who walk past him with a knowing look in his eye. Plus, he's got the whole thieving thing in his past, so he wouldn't feel bad about taking people's money.

Ryan Sweeney: Ryan Sweeney should be reading the evening news somewhere. He's already got the haircut.

Adrian Gonzalez: The first attribute that I thought of for Adrian was being analytical. Admittedly, the very first thing that popped into my head was scientist but since I'm being nice, Adrian seems well suited to being an accountant. Analytical and quiet, more comfortable with numbers than people, it makes sense.

Dustin Pedroia: Dustin can be utterly charming and he knows how to tell people what they want to hear without sounding insincere. But he's more savvy than smart, so not a lawyer. I doubt, though, that he'd be happy in the small world of sales, so I'd set him up at a PR firm, smoothing over other people's messes.

Kelly Shoppach: Kelly Shoppach ought to have been a high school gym teacher. This one is a bit of a cheat because 1) it's an obvious choice for many of them and 2) he reminds me a lot of my high school gym teacher, Mr. Gomez, not so much in the coloring but definitely in the teddy bear physique.

Mike Aviles: This feels like I'm stereotyping him but when I think Mike Aviles isn't a short stop he's a _____, I put in cop. With the big smile and the eveybody's buddy attitude, more of a community policing, crime prevention effort but Officer Mike, the Puerto Rican cop from the Bronx feels right. And I apologize.

Jacoby Ellsbury: Ellsbury seems to me, first and foremost, to be a people pleaser and secondly to be a do-gooder. So he should have been, and I really do think that he might have enjoyed the line of work, a social worker.

Ryan Kalish: This one is a bit of a stretch because although you hear stories, and he sounds like a very nice kid, I don't know much about Kalish. It all has to do with the shape of his head and the fact that he's from New Jersey. Ryan Kalish's destiny, were it not for baseball, would have been to go to St. John's University, join a fraternity, major in some version of finance, and then get a job at an investment house as a stock analyst because one of his frat brother's father runs the place. That is what his physiognomy tells me.

Nick Punto: Nick Punto's true calling should have been to the world of newspaper journalism. Through stubbornness or doggedness or simple refusal to change, he could have chased down stories and worked his way up the ladder until he got to the role of not quite good enough to be a columnist but can ably fill in if required.

Carl Crawford: The attribute that I would ascribe to Carl Crawford would be drive. The first profession I thought of for a driven person was lawyer but he's so soft-spoken, and he's got kind of a high voice, and he's mumbly so that would never work. But Carl the entrepreneur? Inventing something we never knew we needed and then getting everyone to buy one? I could see that.

Andrew Miller: With the long flowing hair and the beard, I think Andrew Miller really does want to be a poet (either that or Jesus, but since we're still being nice we'll go with poet). He's a smart guy and changeable, willing to listen to correction and work hard, he could probably have made a go at being a poet.

Scott Atchison: It's a friendly face, an understanding face. The sort of face that communicates, I've been through tough times too and come out the other end alright. The sort of face that ought to belong to a psychologist or a counselor of some sort.

Mark Melancon: If the baseball thing doesn't end up working out for Mark Melancon, then he would seem well suited for a job as an insurance salesman. He's got a sort of apologetic manner to him and an awkward smile, and a seeming inability to dress himself in clothes that fit properly. It all works.

Daniel Bard: Daniel Bard seems like an intelligent guy. I think that his determination to figure out what was wrong with him this season by digging into video from the past shows that being a research librarian may have been a good career path.

Cody Ross: The obvious choice for Ross would have been rodeo clown but we're not going for obvious. I don't know much about Ross but he seems to be at heart, an entertainer. He also seems to inspire strong feelings in people and make a definite impression wherever he goes. He seems to be very measured in the things he says and brand conscious or image aware, whatever you want to call it. I think that there's a politician in there.

Daniel Nava: Daniel Nava seems like a kind, compassionate person. A seemingly sort of bland person but someone you can trust. A person who could anticipate all sorts of needs you didn't know you had and take care of them before you were even aware of them. The sort of person who would make an excellent funeral director.

Matt Albers: If it weren't for baseball, Matt Albers might have a future as a social reformer/activist type. I don't know if he has the brain for it but maybe a lawyer. What he does seem to have is a strong sense of right and wrong, just and unjust; a chip on his shoulder. Fairness seems to be very important to him. And advocating for the poor, or the homeless, or the downtrodden might be right up his alley. [Aside: I just went and looked up Albers to see if there was any indication that he might have the brain to pull off lawyering and was shocked to learn that he is only twenty-nine. I had no idea he was so young. I would have easily put him in his mid-thirties.]

Jon Lester: The ideal job for Jon Lester would be long-haul truck driver. He could be as grumpy and as unsociable as he liked. He wouldn't have to talk to anyone or deal with other people if he didn't want to. And if got himself a Southern route, he could work on his stupid accent.

As for the rest, I'm at a loss; some because I just don't know enough about them because they haven't been around for very long and others because they are just intensely boring people and I can't think of a suggestion--these two will have to figure out how to make baseball work. Perhaps, Jarrod Saltalamacchia could become a barber; not because he's shown a particular aptitude for barbering but because then he would learn that the ringlets combined with the receding hairline and baldness is just an extremely awful look and he would cut his hair.