The Word of Pap.

According to Ian Browne Jonathan Papelbon held court for nineteen minutes after he finished his workout this morning. Even though it's generally accepted that he's looking forward to raking in the cash in two years, he insists that that's not the truth:

"I think that's the perception, that I'm going to go somewhere else, but it's all a perception. Right now this is the way it's working out. It's that simple. It's one year at a time, it's working out and both sides are happy. Why would you try to do anything else is my way of thinking. Of course I'd love to be with Boston for a long term."

Huh. You'd think someone who has a reputation as a shoot-from-the-hip kind of guy who says that he fully intends to rake in as much cash as he can, wouldn't be offended that people would take him and accept him at his word. Of course, it's night like he plays for Tampa who wouldn't be able to afford him once he reached free agency.

Video is from WEEI.

A Conflict.

During spring training last year, Javier Lopez and Manny Delcarmen gave an interview where they poked fun at Jonathan Papelbon for having an actual checklist of things he had to do before a game. It struck me immediately as a tool that would have been given to him as part of an IEP at some point during his education. If I'm right about him, then Papelbon may want to invest in a secretary. You see, he has apparently agreed to appear at the First Pitch Banquet for the baseball program at Mississippi State University on February 18. The problem is that that date also happens to be when pitchers and catchers report to Fort Myers. I guess that it's conceivable that he really, really wanted to go and he planned on flying back to Mississippi for the night and that I'm wrong about him.

I Hear With My Little Ear.

Someone seems to be whispering in Rob Bradford's ear that a one-year deal for Jonathan Papelbon has been reached. He has the deal at around $9 million. I would think that would be enough to keep Pap in duck hunting gear for a year.

Pap Responds.

I guess that he caught me in a bad mood this morning and I happily picked him apart as a result but it only seems fair to put up Papelbon's side of the story.

And now I almost feel bad about it. He sounds as if he either just woke up or like he was drugged. And maybe it's just the lifelessness of his voice (or possibly just the bad phone connection) but I can almost hear a little bit of humility in there.

But I still don't think that a kid who's a shade over a year old should be plopped down in front of the television set.

Open Mouth. Insert Foot.

He goes away, disappears for a couple of months, and you forget just how unpleasant he really is. From this absence without the benefit of being an awesome pitcher to help you forgive/ignore the things he says, the things he says come across as entitled, selfish, egotistical, and really just stupid. He's like Curt Schilling except that Curt had some sense (however twisted and warped it was) of reality and his place in it. Perhaps some fear of God would be good for Papelbon.

The interview with Edes starts off well enough. He's redirecting his anger at his performance last October by using it as motivation for his off-season workouts. That's good to hear. But then it descends into his normal idiocy. His wife is having another baby in April and they have decided to call the poor mite Gunner. Because Gunner is supposed to be a bad ass name. Here's the thing Pap: Gunner is not bad ass. It's hillbilly. Either that or people will possibly think the poor kid is Scandinavian and that you just can't spell. Sue would be bad ass. Gunner is stupid. [Edited: Removed because it was deemed to be excessively mean for calling into question the child-rearing skills of Ashely Papelbon.]

And then he says that he didn't know of any of the moves the club had made. I don't actually have a problem with that. Tim Wakefield, whom I respect tremendously, has said something similar. But Wake is a good, kind, generous soul; Papelbon is not. And so when I read "Cameron, Mike Cameron? We got him? I swear to you, I didn't know." my brain translates it to: "Cameron? Mike Cameron? We got him? I swear to you, I didn't know." And before he's even played a game, I'm fully behind my new centerfielder.

And I agree with him that Mike Lowell, should his wrist problem not be insurmountable, could play everyday; as long as he doesn't play third or hit the ball on the ground if there are runners on. Anywhere. If Mike hits the ball to short, the opposing team would probably have time to drive the ball down to Pawtucket tag out the runner there, grab a bite to eat, and get back to Boston before Mike hobbled his way down to first. And I adore Mike Lowell. Arthritis is degenerative. He's not getting better. A year out from the surgery will probably help to alleviate some of the pain but he's still going to "run like a turtle on an iceberg". But it's good to know that Papelbon will stand by fellow clients of his agent.

And then he starts in with the best ever crap again and how he's not trying to make the most money he can for himself, not at all, he's trying to make the world a better place for closers everywhere. Which rankles but we already touched on it when he said it last year.

And then there's his goal of immortality. He doesn't particularly want to help the team win or win the World Series. He's happy to do those things, if they'll help him reach his goal of getting into the Hall of Fame. I'm not sure he realizes how unlikely that is given his shoulder, his flat fastball, and his inability to throw the splitter or the slider for a strike anymore. But no one ever said he didn't suffer from grandiose delusions.

Maybe they should bring Timlin back to babysit him. I don't remember Papelbon being this annoying when Timlin was running the show down there.

How's That Curse I Cursed You With, Curse-ty?

I may have found the problem with tonight's game. It lay not with the pitching but rather with a pitcher and a broadcaster. And not the pitcher you're thinking of.

Before the game Jonathan Papelbon gave an interview in which he said:

(Re: the Yankees) "I think all of baseball is seeing how well their playing and hopefully we can stifle that while they're here."

and

(Re: Jerry Remy) "I'll tell you what: Remdawg's back. He might be that missing link.You know, he might get us on that roll that we need."

So there you have it. Blame it on Papelbon.

One of These Things is Not Like the Others.

Jonathan Papelbon looks right at home with an over-enthusiastic guy in a pirate suit and two girls in short skirts, fishnets, and tight satiny shirts. Dear, sweet, humble, good Tim Wakefield? Not so much.

A Merry Milkman.

Minor league baseball and Jonathan Papelbon were probably meant for each other. Minor league ballparks always seem to have some sort of sideshow going on and Papelbon is a sideshow on his own. I imagine that he's probably always marched to the beat of his own drummer.

Theo Epstein took part in a press conference earlier today during which he discussed next week's amateur draft. He does have some interesting things to say like should the club end up in dire financial straights, they won't scrimp on drafting (and I'll infer he means signing bonuses) because ultimately you'll end up with a cheaper club if you can put all young guys out there. He was also asked (and very helpfully answered the question by repeating the question so I could tell what he was talking about) to discuss his favorite pick. He chose Jonathan Papelbon for obvious reasons. He then went on to tell a slightly amusing story about going to see him pitch up in Lowell not too long after he was signed and finding him happily milking a cow.

March of the Tin Soldiers.

So the coming out of the stands thing? That was just goofy. It's few hours later and I've forgotten what exactly it was supposed to symbolize. It was probably pretty cool if you happened to be sitting right there, though.

It seemed to be a mostly unpopular decision. Saito couldn't get down those steps fast enough and he did so with a look on his face of "Oh my God. What have I gotten myself into? Who Are You People? STOP TOUCHING ME!" but David Ortiz seemed to lap up the attention. Jonathan Papelbon had no time for anyone but Happy was, well, happy. (I can't imagine what you'd have to do to Justin Masterson to make him unhappy.) JD Drew also seems to think of himself as a gorilla:

"I felt like a caged animal there for a while. We were stuck in a little bitty corridor or barricade, surrounded by screaming and yelling Red Sox fans. I felt like a gorilla at the zoo. It was neat."

I could see JD as a gnu or maybe a water buffalo but definitely not a gorilla; a gorilla is much too aggressive.

Team Mexico.

For my own sake, I find it best to avoid the two (three now, if you count Merloni) dinks at Comcast Sports New England at all costs. The anger that the two of them incite isn't good for anyone. I will admit to liking Merloni when he was first on NESN but then he started telling me how I should feel and that was the end of that. I also recently had inexplicably fallen a little bit out of love with Jonathan Papelbon.

Part four of this video may have just fixed that right up.

Jonathan Papelbon took over for one of the dinks and asked Javier Lopez and Manny Delcarmen the questions. The interview somehow takes a turn and ends up being about Papelbon but there's some good stuff in there. For example, he needs a checklist to remind himself to put on his belt and to tie his shoes; and they may need to add putting on the correct jersey to the list. And he's very upset that Manny Del won't be representing Team Mexico in the WBC. That's right he thought Manny Delcarmen was Mexican.

The Gambler.

Jonathan Papelbon is an idiot--but that's not news. He's also a liar but that's probably irrelevant. And he's, supposedly, a terrible poker player which may be relevant.

According to him, the contract dance went like this: He requested a four year deal. The Sox turned him down and instead offered two years and fifteen to sixteen million dollars-which doesn't make much sense given their history of trying to buy out free agent years (Papelbon would still have a year left of arbitration after that contract expired.) Papelbon then turned down the two years in favor of one year, $6.25 million; hoping, I guess, to get rich through arbitration.

But his actions don't make a hell of a lot of sense. He would have to win a $9.75 million contract for 2010 to break even. He's had shoulder problems. He was gassed at the end of last season. He should have taken the money and headed for the hills but says Papelbon:

"But I'm a gambling man, I guess. I already have a little security. What's the difference between $80 million and $100 million over the course of your career? I'm from Mississippi, man. Rent ain't too high in Mississippi, man. That's just me.''

What the gamble he's taking is, I'm not entirely certain.

It's Not Exactly a Cadrillion.

Everyone cringes a little bit when Jonathan Papelbon starts running his mouth. Last spring he started in on money, saying that he "owed it to baseball" to rake in as much money as he could. He even told Tom Caron that he'd go play for the Pirates if they were the ones who gave him a fat contract. It was highly uncouth and not super popular. In an attempt to keep his closer's mouth shut Theo has agreed to give him $6.25 million for the year.

Javier Lopez, who I don't recall ever sticking his foot in his mouth, is also getting a nice payday. Miles ahead of Papelbon in intelligence and looks (but not on the same level of pitching ability), Javier will be receiving $1.35 million for his efforts this year.

Moment 1: Get Down Tonight.

March 1. Florida.

First came the pictures. There really wasn't any sort of explanation to accompany those photos and we were left to wonder what sort of fabulous disaster could have led to their existence. And then on the next spring training game that NESN aired there was video. And it was more than the imagination could have ever come up with.

I can't even begin to express how much the sight of Dustin Pedroia clomping around arrhytmically while his pants fall off amuses me. But if I ever need a giggle, just the thought of that scene will suffice.

And so Mike Lowell's Dancing with the All-Stars event takes it's place as my favorite semi-related to baseball moment of 2008.

P.A.P.

Did you feel that? I'm pretty sure the earth just shifted on it's axis a little bit. Jonathan Papelbon's wife has given birth to a daughter (I guess) who has been named Parker Alice Papelbon or P.A.P. And the world weeps for the child.

Happy Birthday Jonathan!

One year ago I wished Jonathan Papelbon a happy twenty-seventh birthday and embarked on this silly birthday project. Having come full circle, Papelbon turns twenty-eight today. He's an idiot and an odd-duck but I love him dearly. So, here's to a continually healthy shoulder, the safe arrival of the bambinos, and a return to dominance to 2009.

I don't recall where I found the scan from Papelbon's high school yearbook (I did edit out the girl though--seemed like the right thing to do.) Those are quite the duds though.

Also, I just wanted to point out that I didn't forget about Jeff Bailey (he turned thirty on 11/19), I just didn't have anything to say. And since I probably won't bother with Jonathan Van Every, he turns twenty-nine on Thanksgiving. Happy birthday and many happy returns to both of them.

Leaving on a Jet Plane.

Leaving Fenway, Josh Beckett dons a snappy pin-striped suit:

Pedroia pulls off a tan and mint green combination(while wife Kelli goes with a drab gray sweater dress, matching gray boots that are too big and don't have a heel, and an over-sized black bag):

But Papelbon? Papelbon chooses the always classic look of an untucked white shirt and jeans:

Pitch Man.

I am a sucker for all things Papelbon. I can understand how he would annoy the crap out of fans for other teams but I love the idiot dearly. This season he'd been doing his damnedest to sell Dunkin' Donuts' products and the latest promotion he's lent his likeness to is called Bases Loaded.

Basically, you enter the code from your cold Dunkin' Donuts' drink and watch the character take a couple of hacks against computer Jonathan Papelbon (you could also swing against Joba Chamberlain but given my affinity for Paps, why would I do that?)

The game is highly amusing if only for the little videos that go along with it. There's the ridiculously stiff reading of the introduction material and the wonderfully hammy presser after he strikes you out or you get a hit (the getting a hit one is better than the striking you out one.) Also, for someone who could just ask his wife for acting advice Papelbon is far out shown in the acting department by Chamberlain.

Anyway, if the idea of iced coffee gives you the willies or, like me, you haven't stepped into a Dunkin's in years the code to enter for free is: 33FYVD3JHR99. You can enter it up to three times per day.

Big Things.

So, real life interrupts my baseball habit for a couple of days and all sorts of stuff goes down.

1. Schill's done. As disappointing as the news is, I guess I just didn't expect him to make it back in the end. I'm more sorry for Curt than anything. He's seems like the type of person who wouldn't take well to being told that he couldn't do something. For him to have worked so hard since February (blindly trusting that people who knew more than him, knew what they were talking about) only to have nothing come of it, must be disheartening. I suspect that he would blame himself-if only he'd worked a little bit harder or been just a little bit better as a pitcher over the years, the therapy would have worked. Although, the idea that Schill thinks he can just shut up and disappear is pretty amusing.

2. Manni-Jonni. Normally, you miss a Friday night game to go to a wedding rehearsal and nothing too fascinating happens, especially on a rainy Friday night. Of course it happens that when I miss the game, the awesome-ness of Jonathan Papelbon and Manny Delcarmen lip-synching to Milli-Vanilli's Blame it on the Rain is unveiled. How fabulous is it that Papelbon was overshadowed by Manny Del? Clearly, Manny Del was a bigger fan of Milli-Vanilli than Papelbon was. Paps was just kind of dancing around but Manny Del? Manny Del incorporated some genuinely authentic Milli-Vanilli dance moves in there; they just needed a body slam and (I think) the runningman to make it perfect.

3. They wear spiffy green jerseys. Lugo hits a home run. David Aardsma strikes out the side. We'll just ignore all that went wrong in that game.

4. They end up dropping two games to the Cardinals on a poor performance by Daisuke Matsuzaka. Timlin had gone on the DL for knee tendonitis earlier in the day but his replacement, Chris Smith, proved to quite useful. And again, Aardsma struck out the side.

Papelbon on Life, the Universe and Everything.

Tonight's Red Sox this Week program with Dan Roche featured half an hour with Jonathan Papelbon. I will give props to Dan Roche-he never really struck me as a journalist but it was a very nicely constructed interview; there was a nice combination of serious questions and fluffy questions. There were previewed segments that ended up not being forthcoming but that wasn't necessarily his fault. If there's one thing you can say about Papelbon, though, it's that the man could put probably make Josh Beckett smile if he put his mind to it (he described his World Series ring as a man-engagement ring.)

Highlights:

With the recent hullabaloo in the NY press about Goose Gossage calling Joba Chamberlain out for displaying too much emotion on the mound, it was a natural thing to ask Papelbon about. Papelbon is, for the most part, okay with celebrating; as long as your celebration isn't Derek Lowe-esque and it's in proportion to the importance that that out represents for the team and the outcome of the game.

He talked a little bit about being on Letterman and his teammates-how important they are too him, how ribbing each other keeps them close. He, like pretty much everyone else in the world, loves Mike Lowell. And that hideous black lace shirt he wore for Mike Lowell's dance competition? He wouldn't have worn it for anyone else. It also turns out that his wife picked it out for him. Which does bring up a concern about his wife's fashion sense (I think I remember a picture of her in a stole). Or maybe she was just mad at him.

He talked about Manny's double play. He's sure that Manny forgot how many outs there were and that's why he took the time to high-five the fan. Maybe that's true or maybe he saw the piece that Baseball Tonight put together and the clip of Manny flipping the ball out of Yankee stadium with two outs, running back in, looking up, and Pedro giving him that little smile and reminding him that that was only the second out (that was my favorite clip in the collection.)

The last thing they talked about, after all, was Papelbon's history of embellishing his resume. In Cookie-Off Two he said that he was a taster for the Honey Baked Ham Company, in Cookie-Off Three he looked absolutely perplexed when Roche asked him about it. He came clean tonight claiming that he did work for the Honey Baked Ham Company while he was in high school but that his job was glazing the hams and bringing out free samples when the line got too long. According to him, before they could bring out the samples to appease the customers, they had to taste them to make sure they weren't bringing out horrible pieces that would drive the customers away. It could be true. It could also be another fabrication-one created to cover himself for stealing pieces of meat. I can't really tell with Jonathan Papelbon but I love the man dearly.

The Brothers Papelbon.

I've always felt sorry for the women in Jonathan Papelbon's life, his wife to some extent but mostly his mother. The intensity, energy, and general goofball-ness, with which he plays the game probably can't easily be contained and he probably doesn't come with an off switch.

When he bid Kevin Millar adieu on the Friendly Scoop segment with him, he urged Millar to: Be Good. I figured that it was a habit he must have picked up from his mother. It's not hard to imagine her yelling out the front door every time her son left the house "Be good! For the love of God, please be good!"

As it turns out, the younger Papelbons are more of a handful than the elder (at least according to his high school baseball coach.)

In high school, Jonathan worked Bishop Kenny's annual baseball camp. The middle-school aged twins arrived one summer with a reputation.

"They were just two hellions," West said. "When we divided up the groups (Jonathan) would just beg not to have his brothers. They were wild. No one else wanted them either."

I really can't imagine; but my respect for Ma Papelbon grows as I try.