Lousy Team.

Since saying that was pathetic or that it sucked is both obvious and pointless, I shall offer some completely plausible explanations for what the hell has happened to the Boston Red Sox.

1. Voodoo. As the only Haitian baseball player, clearly this is the work of Felix Pie. Sitting on the bench with an injured lat, he got to thinking; what he thought was that playing for the Orioles in the AL East wasn't going to be easy and that he ought to even things out a little bit. And after the drubbing the Sox gave the Orioles last season, he set about messing with the Sox pitching so that the Orioles wouldn't suffer the same fate this season. He was generally satisfied with the results he had gotten, until the Sox clawed their way into third place. Since this was unacceptable, he's gone back to work and is making sure that both Toronto wins and Boston loses. Beware a bored Felix Pie.

2. Alien abduction. In the movies, when someone changes for the worse, it's usually alien abduction, demonic possession, or possibly some sort of virus. Since none of them appear to be possessed or ill, it must be abduction. Somewhere between Florida and Massachusetts, the team was beamed up into a spaceship for experimentation and replacements were sent down so that no one would notice that they were gone. But while the alien replacements have little trouble passing for human in the general population, baseball requires a high skill level and precision that they, as aliens, just don't have.

3. Lost mojo. I'm not naming any names but someone forgot to pack his mojo before they left Florida. It's sitting, forgotten and lonely, in a Floridian hotel room closet. The other possibility is that everyone was responsible and did pack his mojo but the bag was lost at the airport. In either case, things will be dire until he gets the lost mojo back.

4. Kevin Millar. I hate to say it because he is highly amusing but Kevin Millar (like Sean Casey before him) appears to be a jinx. They seemed to finally be playing as they were billed until Millar showed up and it all went to hell. It's either that or, in true Kevin Millar, fashion, he's gotten them all drunk before the last two games; loss of fine motor skills, slowed reaction time, it all makes sense. Seriously, Millar: keep your demon alcohol away from my boys.