The Tragedy of MacBaldy.

A loving tribute to MacBeth.

(Notes: Anything that happens to be an iamb is pure coincidence. I don't do rhymes. I like stage directions, so I put them in. I strongly suspect that once I hit publish, the spacing will completely disappear, but know that I did it properly. And I know that Duncan was the King--Duncan Pedroia was too hard to pass up.)


Scene I: Training Room, Fenway Park.

Jed Lowrie, Julio Lugo, and Nick Green are gathered around the hot tub.

Enter Rocco MacBaldy.

MACBALDY: Uh, guys? You do know that you're not supposed
to be in here without a trainer, right?

LOWRIE: Tis MacBaldy.

LUGO: He who would be DH.

[NICK GREEN giggles]

MACBALDY: Whatever, dudes. There's a sign on the door.

LOWRIE: Should we not tell him?

LUGO: To what end, Lowrie?

[NICK GREEN giggles]

MACBALDY: Look guys, I could get Paul Lessard down here.

LOWRIE: Would you know your future?

LUGO: Stop it, Lowrie.

[NICK GREEN giggles]

MACBALDY: My future?

LOWRIE: Indeed.

MACBALDY: According to whom?

NICK GREEN: Nomar! [Claps enthusiastically and commences giggling.]

MACBALDY: Nomar?

LOWRIE: Nomar.

LUGO: Nomar.

NICK GREEN: Nomar! [Continues giggling.]

MACBALDY: So...Did you call him or did he call you?

LOWRIE: Oh, MacBaldy. Haven't you any faith?

MACBALDY: Alright. Fine. How did you hear from Nomar?

LOWRIE: As Boston short stops, Nomar is our God.

LUGO: We turn to him when things are bad.

NICK GREEN: Magic! [Gestures emphatically at the hot tub.]

MACBALDY: You're telling me that you conjured up No-
mar Garciaparra in the hot tub.

LOWRIE: Indeed.

MACBALDY: And that he told you my future.

NICK GREEN: He says that you're going to be DH!

MACBALDY: Got it. Listen guys, this has been a blast.
But I've got to get to BP. You should
probably think about getting out, too.
[Exeunt]


Scene II: Batting Practice.

Enter Rocco MacBaldy and the Jacobite Ellsbury.

MACBALDY: So the strangest thing just happened to me.

ELLSBURY: Did you put on someone else's pants? That
happens to me sometimes.

MACBALDY: No. I--Wait! What?

[Ellsbury shrugs.]

MACBALDY: You know Jed well, right?

ELLSBURY: Sure. As well as anyone.
We played together as children.

MACBALDY: Does he seem a little bit strange sometimes?

ELLSBURY: Why? What did he do?

MACBALDY: He told my future.

ELLSBURY: Really? What did he say?

MACBALDY: You believe him?

ELLSBURY: Of course. I've never known him to be wrong.

MACBALDY: Yeah, well. This wasn't a Jed prediction.
This came from Nomar Garciaparra.

ELLSBURY: Yeah, that's how Jed works-he's a conduit.

MACBALDY: Okay.

ELLSBURY: So, can I ask what he told you?

MACBALDY: He said that I would one day be DH.

ELLSBURY: Interesting. Do you want to DH?

MACBALDY: Well, I really prefer to play center
but I would like to play everyday.

ELLSBURY: Then this must be your opportunity.

MACBALDY: What?

ELLSBURY: Take it.

MACBALDY: How?

ELLSBURY: Make yourself the DH.
David doesn't hit well when he is un-
happy. If he doesn't hit well, then they
won't keep running him out there as DH.
Find him. Make him unhappy and you will
get yourself some regular playing time.

MACBALDY: That just seems so-

ELLSBURY: Here he comes now. Do it.

[Exeunt]

Scene III: Home clubhouse, Fenway Park.

Enter Rocco MacBaldy and Dunstan Pedroia.

MACBALDY: Thank you for helping me, Dunstan.

PEDROIA: No prob.

MACBALDY: The Jacobite Ellsbury thinks that I
should upset David so I can play more.

PEDROIA: Cool beans. How are we going to do that?

MACBALDY: He's a kind-hearted soul. I thought that if
he heard us talking about all the bad
things in the world, then he might be too up-
set to concentrate on swinging the bat.

PEDROIA: Like the lack of jet packs.

MACBALDY: No. Real problems.
Starving children. Sick kids. Shh. Here he comes.

Enter David MacOrtiz.

PEDROIA: Sup, David?

MACORTIZ: Not much. Sup with both you guys?

MACBALDY: Nothing really. We were talking about
sick kids in Africa

PEDROIA: and starving ones.

MACORTIZ: Yeah, man. There are a lot of people out
there who need your help. Everywhere there
are people who need your help but you can't
give them the help they need. It's real sad man.

MACBALDY: Know what else is sad? Steroids ruining
the game of baseball for all the young kids.

MACORTIZ: That's sad too, man. All these kids they look up
to you and now who will they look up to?

PEDROIA: And there are no jet packs.

MACORTIZ: Whatever, guys.
I got to get ready for tonight's game.

[Exeunt]

Scene IV: Dug out, Fenway park.

[Off stage] MACORTIZ: With all the sick kids in the world

UMPIRE MCLELLAND: Strike three!

Enter MacOrtiz.

MCTITOISH: Are you alright, David?

MACORTIZ: Not really, man.

MCTITOISH: Do you want to sit?

MACORTIZ: I think so. Yeah. Send
in MacBaldy or somebody. I ain't
got nothing at all going on today.

MCTITOISH: Don't worry. It'll come around. You'll see.
MacBaldy! You're in next time around.

[Exeunt]

Scene V: Batter's box, Fenway park.

Umpire McClelland stands behind the plate.

Enter Rocco MacBaldy.

MACBALDY: Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle.
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That stuts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, fullof sound and fury.
Signifying nothing.

UMPIRE MCLELLAND: Strike three! You're out!

MACBALDY: Huh? What about strikes one and two? Damn it.

[Exeunt]