Here's a Thought.

New York does you a solid and you go and turn your nose up at it like, "We don't want to win the division and you can't make us. In fact, we can lose all by ourselves. Just watch."

Maybe you should bring the Oakland A's on tour with you, like your own Washington Generals. (Though not the ones from last night or the A's that are playing today.) You could go to all the cities your supposed to go to but instead of playing poorly against the home team, just sneak the A's into their uniforms.